10 Things You’d Love to Say at Work … But Can’t

Thank God there is a filter in place between my brain and my mouth. If I said everything I thought, I would be in constant trouble.

women with her hand over her mouth

Yesterday, while cleaning out my closet, I stumbled across an article I had saved. It is called “Things You’d Love to Say at Work But Can’t.” It had thirty-eight items. Here are the first ten:

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  1. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet its hard to pronounce.
  3. I’ll pencil that in for never. Does never work for you?
  4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  6. Ahhh … I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
  7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  8. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a rip.
  9. I will always cherish the positive initial misconceptions I had about you.
  10. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you are an artist.
What would you like to say at work, if only you could? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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  • Lisa

    It's so sweet how you think you're always right.

    Please stop speaking until you understand what you're explaining to me.

    I would love to walk out on you right now, but you wouldn't have a clue how to do my job. And I could never leave my customers in the hands of someone like you.

    Next time you decide to talk about me behind my back make sure the person you're talking to isn't going to rat you out.

    Please excuse yourself from thinking. It's not working for you too well.

    aww. now i feel better……….

  • Lisa

    It's so sweet how you think you're always right.

    Please stop speaking until you understand what you're explaining to me.

    I would love to walk out on you right now, but you wouldn't have a clue how to do my job. And I could never leave my customers in the hands of someone like you.

    Next time you decide to talk about me behind my back make sure the person you're talking to isn't going to rat you out.

    Please excuse yourself from thinking. It's not working for you too well.

    aww. now i feel better……….

  • Neil Muscott

    Who wrote the article? Where was it published? credit due to whom?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/michaelhyatt Michael Hyatt

      Unfortunately, there was no credit. It was just printed out on a single page. I don't have a clue where I originally got it.

  • Neil Muscott

    Who wrote the article? Where was it published? credit due to whom?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/michaelhyatt Michael Hyatt

      Unfortunately, there was no credit. It was just printed out on a single page. I don't have a clue where I originally got it.

  • http://twitter.com/worshipshop @worshipshop

    nice. I too would love to see the other 28. It's a great thing that the filter IS in place between the brain and the mouth – otherwise we would all be in BIG trouble. Here's my contribution [which itself silences my own mouth, of course]:

    "Never pass up a good opportunity to shut up."

  • http://twitter.com/worshipshop @worshipshop

    nice. I too would love to see the other 28. It's a great thing that the filter IS in place between the brain and the mouth – otherwise we would all be in BIG trouble. Here's my contribution [which itself silences my own mouth, of course]:

    "Never pass up a good opportunity to shut up."

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    Thanks for the much needed laugh today. :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    Thanks for the much needed laugh today. :)

  • http://twitter.com/natebargo @natebargo

    Great post. Needed a little humor. Thanks for brightening up my day.

  • http://twitter.com/natebargo @natebargo

    Great post. Needed a little humor. Thanks for brightening up my day.

  • Chet DeGrawin

    Any chance we can outsource you to India?

  • Chet DeGrawin

    Any chance we can outsource you to India?

  • http://rebeccannb.wordpress.com/ Becky

    That was great to read! It gave me a great laugh today!

  • http://rebeccannb.wordpress.com/ Becky

    That was great to read! It gave me a great laugh today!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/adam_herod adam_herod

    HA! Absolutely hilarious. I'd pick a favorite, but it'd be like picking a favorite child.

  • http://twitter.com/ThatGuyKC K.C. Procter

    #10 is my favorite!
    Living in Seattle I sometimes feel like I’m surrounded by “artist” types who make no sense at all.

    Thank you for sharing. Needed the mid-afternoon chuckle.

  • Anonymous

    Hahaha! That’s awesome! I’d probably be a bit more sarcastic (and probably a bit more Rated R) LOL! Thanks for sharing. :-)

  • Downtowngal72

    Did you eat an ENTIRE bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?

  • Lynne

    There are SO many things I could have said to my boss, but since I wasn’t able to stomach being forced to participate in his unethical business practices, I fired him instead. That was enough said, but I did have opportunity to give my 2 cents to one upper management type on my departure. After saying our goodbyes he said, “Take me with you, please.”

  • http://twitter.com/iwandijkstra Iwan Dijkstra

    Good stuff :). Reblogged it.
    My addition if you’re having a stupid or incompetent manager:

    “I hate it when you try to impose your wrongs to me.”

  • http://twitter.com/kimkuz Kim Kuzmkowski

    These are great. I just hope that none of my coworkers think these things about me!

  • Atlantis7_bdv

    Loved these comments. As for my own, I have occasionally replied to someone who says “I don’t mean to be offensive but…” with “I’m sorry but I could only be offended by someone whose opinion I respected.”

  • JUNOBEACHDEB

    Just used #9 on a guy that dumped me tonight!! LMAO!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  • Hans Kazoo

    Let me say this: in 2031 (or so) U Americans will see that this type of “humor” was part of the mindset that took your economy down.

  • Lanikee

    Awesome input and it’s always good to see alertness among the things we need to know and remind ourselves. I enjoyed your post and thanks for sharing! Lanikee.com :) Happy New Year!

  • Baron Karza

    These are really funny. I know so many rude and inept middle managers who will just love these.

  • Pugamahon

    what imbecile allowed you into medical school???

  • Jtlmecca

    Seriously – the doctors at that hospital don’t like you? is it because you dress like a slut to go to work?

  • http://twitter.com/310_Designer Michelle

    howabout this one: “I don’t give a shit, but if I did, you’d be the first person I’d give it to.”

  • FL Lady1977

    Your inability to plan & prepare does not constitute an emergency on my part

  • Tazza

    Boss your ideas are heaven sent I can only pray that divine intervention happens to me also, so I too can free from using common sense.

    • Tazza

      Boss your ideas are heaven sent I can only pray that divine intervention happens to me also, so I too can be free from using common sense.

  • Docmartn

    I’ve always liked the question… “When did y’all starting sucking?”

  • ChristinaMS84

    If you knew how to do your job, then I wouldnt have to tell you what you’ve done wrong – again.

  • Anonymous

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  • bonniesuec

    My former office manager – young enough to be my daughter – was a totally anal micro-manager. She “trained” me, but in the way of those who set up the original system and have been doing it for so long, there were lots of details she left out. Then she never missed an opportunity to jump on my case in front of others and tell me what I had done wrong. After several months of it, I had had enough, so…
    These are things I actually DID say, and probably 99% of the reason they “let me go”:
    “And I knew this how? Osmosis?”
    “It’s my fault I wasn’t trained correctly? Who trained me?”
    “If you say you don’t want to babysit us on every nit-pickin’ detail, would you please stop babysitting us?”
    “Would you please do me a favor? If by some miracle I ever do the tiniest thing RIGHT, would you let me know that, too?”

  • RJB

    Wow, this must be Lake Wobegon: everybody is above average!
    Yes, there are bad bosses, but the responsibility of an experienced employee is to wisely manage his/her boss. Think about what is the ‘pain’ that your boss is feeling and try to provide the solution. Newsflash: that’s what you are being paid for, as opposed to your sarcasm and wit.
    I have worked in technology for over ten years, and have had nearly as many bosses – and got along fine with all of them, including one that drove a peer to leave the group because she couldn’t manage his micromanaging. Time to grow up children.

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  • http://jeffgoins.myadventures.org Jeff Goins

    Wow, I really like #2. Like you, Michael, I also thank God for the (occasional) filter. Here’s my addition:

    “Do you really call what you’re doing ‘work’?”

  • http://twitter.com/2020VisionBook Joshua Hood

    So true! Thanks for brightening up my night. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks those things ;)

    Josh Hood
    2020visiononline.org

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  • Brittany Hudson

    Yes, the mandatory meeting does include the ego-centric people who think they are too special to attend.  

  • Sade J Jackson

    “If I didn’t exist, whose help would you solicit for this task? Find them!”

  • seanFYOCK

    Great post mike.  I love sarcasm.

    I’m a construction guy and when I go to get the building permits I can’t help but laugh at the sign in the Zoning officers office, it reads:

    “Arguing with the inspector is like wrestling with a pig in mud, sooner or later you realize that the pig is enjoying itself.”

  • Klnassie

    I worked for the State so I was not suppose to, but I said it anyway:

    “I love you and God Bless YOU!!”

    and

    “Did you say, ‘Thank you Jesus?’”

    and

    “Lord help us.”

  • Jannie831

    LOL! S true. What I’d like to say, but can’
    t: “God loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!!”

  • Lisa c.

    What world are you living in where that is something I’d consider?… I say this to my 8 year old now.

    And I have a sign in my office that says “i’m not a controlling person, I just have better ideas.”

  • Stephanie

    I have a typographic sign up at my desk (hidden where most can’t see it) that says “Somebody ⌘S me from these fools.” That about sums it up.

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I love that sign—especially as a Mac user!

  • Anonymous

    Oh goody! These were pretty hilarious!
    And even through I’m an atheist, I’d love to see a church one!
    I used to go to one when I was younger, but everyone was really just rude and cold, very un-Jesus-like IMO.*part of what pushed me away*

    But yeah, keep up the great writing, you write amazing stuff! <3

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