Many words in the English language are difficult. In fact, there’s even a Dictionary of Difficult Words. But none are more difficult than these: “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
Many otherwise articulate people seem to have great difficulty in getting these words out. They hem and haw. They stutter. They may get something close out, but they have a hard time slowly and deliberately saying these ten simple words.
But each one of these ten words are important.
“I’m sorry.” Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and feel what they feel. This is something we desperately need to develop. But it takes humility.
Too often, we are preoccupied with our own feelings. However, empathy is the recognition that it’s not all about us. Other people matter. They have feelings, too, and those feelings are important
By saying we are sorry—sincerely and with authentic humility—we validate them as human beings. We are essentially saying, “I know you are hurt, and I understand. Your feelings are valid, and I am sorry that I am the cause of them. I’m not sorry because I got caught or because you called me out. I’m sorry because of the hurt that I caused you.”
“I was wrong.” This the most difficult sentence of all. Perhaps we live with the mistaken notion that we never do anything wrong. Or perhaps we just think the other person should “give us a pass” because somehow we deserve it. But the truth is, we all make mistakes. If we are not guilty of sins of commission (i.e., deliberately doing something that offends others), we are guilty of sins of omission (i.e., failing to live up to others expectations).
One of the great things about being a Christian is that I have been released from the need to pretend I am perfect. No, I am a sinner, and I need forgiveness—from God and from the people I offend.
“Will you please forgive me?” This is one of the most powerful sentences we can ever utter. By asking this as a question, we acknowledge that forgiveness is not an entitlement. We don’t deserve forgiveness; we are asking for it as an act of mercy.
This also acknowledges that it is a choice on the part of the other person. They may withhold their forgiveness. Perhaps they are not ready to make up. They may need some space. But, in my experience, almost always the other person says, “I forgive you.” With this simple sentence, both of us are healed.
We may be tempted to take shortcuts. We could simply say, “I apologize” or “Sorry.” But nothing is quite as effective as saying all ten words. It may seem awkward or artificial at first, but with practice it gets easier. And if you are like me, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice.
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Excellent post. As you know, we have tried really hard to model this in our marriage and teach it to our children. It’s been a major reason for the great relationships we have. I’m so glad to see you post on this. I remember that the whole process can be even more healing, and more effective with the addition of two more phrases.
They would go with the first phrase, “I’m sorry.” “Jane, I’m sorry for ________. ( … embarassing you in that meeting. … completely forgetting about your birthday. … getting so upset and yelling before I even heard your side. … lying to you about where I was last night.) This let’s the other person know that you “get it.”
Second, we typically add the phrase “I know that hurt you.” We own up to the specific pain we’ve caused.
Most of the time, “I’m sorry,” by itself, doesn’t necessarily communicate much. Our tone of voice, eye contact and body language can take us so far, but specific acknowlegdement of our offense and the hurt it’s caused takes us the rest of the way.
So, here’s how my 10 most difficult words would be fleshed out: “Jane, I am so sorry for __________. I know that it hurt you very much. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me.”
Gail,
Your point about the "for" is spot on! Often when the children say I'm sorry, I'll ask, "for what?" I want them to know that apologies are more than just getting out of a consequence (they aren't), and for them to have an accurate understanding of the situation.
You and Mike have a true gift and I'm thankful to be able to learn from your examples.
My recent post Whining to God
Gail: I don’t know if I’ve seen you comment before so I just want to welcome you to the blog! I look forward to hearing your voice as you join in the conversation. We all know where much of Mike’s widsom has come from… ;-)
Thanks Pete. I’m kind of new to this blog world. At least on the interacting side. Thanks for the encouragement.
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Mike, you are absolutely correct! Your post reminds me of the Happy Days episode when Fonzie couldn't admit he was wr-wr-wro—
I'm so glad you included the piece about asking for forgiveness. In our family, we are teaching our children when someone apologizes to them, the best reply is not "it's OK." Clearly if someone is apologizing, what they said or did isn't "OK." Instead, they have the choice to say, "I forgive you," when they've been wronged. Those words are very freeing to the hearer, but perhaps more so to the speaker.
Peter and I are also now more willing to say those words in public and in the corporate environment when someone says, "I'm sorry," to either of us. At first it takes people completely by surprise, but I think after the words drift through the air and settle in the ears, the other person is changed – even if only a bit.
My recent post Whining to God