I watched MTVs VMA awards last night. Some of my daughters’ friends are in the band Paramore, and they were nominated for an award. And—to be honest—I wanted to see how Britney Spears would do, since we are publishing her mom’s book next week.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen MTV, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed. Gail and I finally had to turn it off. We just couldn’t take it any more.
As I thought about my experience later, it made me sad. I am the father of five daughters. So perhaps I’m just a little overly sensitive. But I was shocked at the complete absence of modesty, the ridicule of virginity, and the latent misogyny displayed by Russell Brand and many of the artists themselves.
One of the few redeeming moments in the evening was when Jordin Sparks, referring to Brand’s contempt for chastity, said,
I just have one thing to say about promise rings: It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut.”
Touché. It must have struck a nerve, because the next time Brand appeared, he apologized for his comments. Sort of.
Regardless, it got me to thinking, Where are these girls fathers? Has anyone ever taught them the concept of modesty? Or have all the men in their lives simply exploited them as sex objects
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a prude. But I do think some basic guidelines are in order. These are not rules about skirt length or the amount of cleavage you can show. I’m just not a very good legalist; they are simply guidelines.
I gave these to my girls when they were growing up. Frankly, they haven’t been perfect in following them. Modern culture exerts a powerful influence. Nevertheless, I wanted them to have something that would transcend current fashion and guide their attire once they were older and, perhaps, a little wiser.
Here they are: “Four Guidelines for Modesty”:
- If you have trouble getting into it or out of it, it is probably not modest.
- If you have to be careful when you sit down or bend over, it is probably not modest.
- If people look at any part of your body before looking at your face, it is probably not modest.
- If you can see your most private body parts or an outline of those parts under the fabric, it is probably not modest.
If you think these guidelines are helpful, you might want to pass them along to the young women you know. Evidently, not many are getting the message elsewhere.
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Russell Brand is an embarresment to my country.
Awesome post. Thanks for speaking out and for these guidelines. They really do say it all.
I have to say, I have always thought it was better to be a beautifully classy woman than a trashy sex object. However, I didn't learn how to dress classy until after high school. Until that point, I hid myself behind too big shirts and baggy pants so that I could make sure no one looked at me and only saw my body. If someone had shown me that I could be beautiful without dressing like all of the other girls, I would have been so much more confident in myself. I'm positive that my peers would have felt the same, if anyone had shown them how to dress while they were still young. I'm twenty years old now, still young and still being bombarded by the media telling me that it's odd that I'm a virgin or that it is somehow uncool for me to dress like a lady. Yet every time a man speaks to me, it is full of respect and kindness. No one would dare call me a name like "tramp" or "slut" or any other condescending word that girls have to put up with. My boyfriend treats me as if I were something precious. Some people in our society might think me frigid or conservative because of my choices, but I get to be treated the way every woman dreams of being treated. I would choose classy over trashy any day.
As a father of 8 and 3 year old girl I thank you for these guidelines. I will definitely use them as they grow up. I appreciate reading your blog posts. This one was especially helpful and applicable.
Mike, excellent post. Thanks for re-posting it. As the Father of a new young woman, this is one of the areas I think about as it will be coming in just a few short years. Your guidelines will help quite a bit, I think!
Can you explain (or email to me) some practical application concerning #4?
I am a 20-something man who notices the…um…attributes of my girlfriend. She does not at all dress in a way that I would consider immodest, but I do have to be careful where I look upon her.
Is this natural, that is, that I am attracted to my girlfriend? Is this because she has been given attractive physical features by God? Or am I just blind to my own lust and her lack of modesty?
I think you are missing the point a little bit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with admiring here beauty, even her body. I think he was referring to outfits that immediately draw attention to other parts of her body, other than her face. Because her face is where she really is. In her eyes is where the true person is, not the rest of her body.
WOW! Great guidelines, I am definitely passing this one on. I have boys, not girls, but I think it's important that they know that modesty is a desirable trait in a woman (or girlfriend).
Two summers ago we were cottaging w/my sisters' and parents and our brood in Northern Ontario. My 14 year old daughter had a bikini that her dad (my ex) had bought her to wear sunbathing @ home, and she had brought it with her. I looked out our cottage window one morning and saw my daughter in her bikini lying on the dock w/my two nieces, who had been bikini-clad all week. It was like seeing my baby out in public in her underwear. I was, like, "Oh! Oh! Is she…? Oh! She is…that little brat…I need to go..oh, wait, I can't…oh my goodness!" My sister, also a christian and lover of God and modesty, was with me, and together we decided that it would do more harm than good to go marching out to drag a humiliated teen off the dock. Besides, from the way she was tugging at what little material she had on and pulling her towel over herself, it seemed that God was teaching her a lesson in His own gentle way. Not wanting to interfere w/God's instruction, I sat at the window alternating between prayer and wincing as I watched my child wrestle w/her desire to fit in AND to honor God at the same time. Later that morning,she pulled on a t-shirt and shorts, and that evening on the dock she and I had a private talk about the modesty. I re-established the rule about no bikinis in public, which she accepted freely having lived through an illustration of the rule earlier that morning. This past summer, she told me that at a visit to her dad's, his girlfriend's 26 year old daughter was pressuring my 15 year old to wear a bikini, my child refused and told her that I did not allow it. I was so proud, and grateful for a God that intervenes and teaches our children in ways that we can only stand back and be amazed at. Modesty is about self-respect and honoring God, others and ourselves. It says to the world, "There is much more to me than my physical attributes" and it is vital in young men and women learning to truly value God's creative work in them. Thanks for sharing this article!
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AMEN!
Oh, I remember when parents started dressing their girls like the Spice Girls in my daughter's first grade on non-uniform days. Then, certain parents stepped it up a notch to B. Spears dress. Finally in daugh's fourth grade, parents around US started complaining loudly. In fourth grade, daugh wrote an ad for the got milk? mustache milk campaign. I snapped a 'wholesome' pic. A photographer and the Dairy assoc flew her to NY for a mag ad and to duplicate. What happened next, I was told: B Spears' racy milk ad was booted from school cafeteries around the country, and my baby girl's ad replaced hers. I believe shortly after, Spears went to Pepsi.
My recent post Again Because You Can Never Have Enough Of Anything
Oh, I remember when parents started dressing their girls like the Spice Girls in my daughter's first grade on non-uniform days. Then, certain parents stepped it up a notch to B. Spears dress. Finally in daugh's fourth grade, parents around US started complaining loudly. In fourth grade, daugh wrote an ad for the got milk? mustache milk campaign. I snapped a 'wholesome' pic. A photographer and the Dairy assoc flew her to NY for a mag ad and to duplicate. What happened next, I was told: B Spears' racy milk ad was booted from school cafeteries around the country, and my baby girl's ad replaced hers. I believe shortly after, Spears went to Pepsi.
My recent post Again Because You Can Never Have Enough Of Anything
ETA from my post below: Over the years, I've always tried to remember as a parent, to pick my battles carefully and that clothing is an artistic expression for youth — to an extent, but morals are everything–lifetime lessons given, which solidify the spiritual growth of self. Daugh spent this past summer modeling in NY (she is 5"10), and she checked off every type of ad she would NOTdo: they included bikinis, liquor, cigarettes etc. I was so proud when I saw that checklist. Now a freshman in college, daugh has stayed true to her self, morals and has maintained her self-respect. Did I tell you I'm proud of my daugh? ; ) http://twitpic.com/xfnuj
Thanks for the post – I have 2 girls (under 3) and this topic is certainly a concern for the future. A guideline I've considered is: "If you'd be uncomfortable with someone touching it, then they probably shouldn't be able to see it."
The basic question I should ask myself is: would I want my own daughter to wear this? Whatever I think is not too appropriate for my daughter is probably not too appropriate for other girls.
Amen……I'm the mother of 4 with my twins. I have one daughter that fights me on the issue of clothes. I will never loose on this one. She came home from someone's house with one of their really short skirts on and all I had to say was I wonder what your father will think. She ran in the room and changed her clothes. She handed me the skirt and it went into the trash. My friend thought I was wasteful, but if it is don't proper for my child then it is not proper for any child. We wonder why our children have been attacked in this time and age.
PREACH! I could not watch either, it made me sick. I wanted to plead with those girls "leave a little mystery, please!" Thank you for this post.
Great post Michael, thanks!
@michaelhyatt – Excellent post. I've got an 11 year-old and we've always done "fashion shows" from the time she was little. We made a big deal out of it and made it also fun. One rule was that if Dad didn't approve, it had to get returned. To this day – we do not have an issue with clothing. I wish more Dads were involved in their daughter's lives in this way. Thank you for your leadership in your family! Thanks – @hudsonkerrigan
THANK YOU! IT HAD TO BE SAID! FINALLY!
Good words…thanks for the common sense wisdom.
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