Validation. Everyone needs it. Hardly anyone gets it. Yet it is the very thing that most people crave. More than sex. More than money. More than drugs.
I’m not a psychologist. But I think it’s safe to say that most people who have an unhealthy craving for anything are really craving validation. Why is it so hard to get?
Ultimately, our validation has to come from God. Parents, bosses, spouses, and even friends will disappoint us. They have their own issues. But God is the one Person who is wholly other-centered. He made us in his image and delights in us. He stubbornly loves us even when we are unlovable. If that’s not validation, I don’t know what is.
So while I want to look to God for my own validation, I want to be a validator to others—a reminder of God’s good intentions toward them. I want to affirm that God is for them not against them. That His plans for them are good. That He has given to each person I encounter unique gifts, talents, and strengths. May God give me the grace to see it and acknowledge it. This is leadership in action.
That’s also the beauty of the short film above. I hope you will take the time to watch it. It’s sixteen minutes long, but it’s well worth it. It was was written by Kurt Kuenne and is the recipient of a number of film festival awards.
It reminded me how easy it is to validate others. It means so very much and yet costs so very little. I can’t think of a better gift to give to others. Can you?
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By the way, my wife, Gail, is the biggest validator I know. She encourages everyone she meets. This comment (which I know she will read) is my validation of her!
Great post, Mike. I’m often too addicted to validation and need to remember I’m validated in my identity in Christ, not on my own terms. The idea reminds me of a song I wrote a while back. Here are a few of the lyrics:
Trading kind cliches with the checkout girl
While I’m waiting there to pay.
How could I ever know that she could barely stand
From the beating her boyfriend gave?
And, that homeless man in my peripheral eye
Who’s huddled outside Subway?
How can I ever enjoy his wise-old laugh
If I never stop to say…
Who is my neighbor?
Is he hurting just like me?
What does he dream of?
Is he longing to be free?
What are we afraid of
That we should bury all our need?
Why should all this darkness hover
Under the surface of the deep.
This is an awesome reminder in these times of frustration for many. For me, helping the hurting begins with reminding people that they are wonderfully and gloriously made by a loving God.
Thanks for sharing. It made me happy and desiring to share God’s goodness and grace with others by just being kind.
Indeed a great gift to give and to receive. Just like grace. God gives it to us so it should be something we give to others.
Makes me think of Barnabas. His name is said to mean “son of encouragement” in Greek. When everyone else had a hard time believing that Saul really was converted on that road to Damascus… it was Barnabas who was the encourager that brought Saul > Paul to the Apostles. By Barnabas validating Saul, Saul would become Paul and help change the course of history for the church.
You are so right and very wise to validate your wife! Many marriages could be saved just by this one skill alone. Affairs begin because someone validates another in a way they crave.
I validate my students everyday as well as my husband, children and coworkers. I am blessed because God has given me the gift of encouragement. But some people just don’t come by this naturally, so they have to work harder at it!
I wonder if it’s a gender specific thing, too? Do women validate easier than men? I do seem to know more women “validators” than men ones.
Would “validator” be the opposite of terminator?
“I’ll scratch your back, you wonderful specimen of humanity, you!”
(Okay, so that’s a really bad attempt at “I’ll be back” validator style. . .)
Love it – thanks for sharing and reminding us how much our actions effect one another!
Beautiful post! The video left me a soggy mess. And, I concur wholeheartedly with comment number one. As the grateful recipient of your lovely wife’s kindness, I echo your affirmation.
Blessings to you both.
I didn’t intend to watch the entire video…I mean 16 minutes? But I got hooked and couldn’t stop. It was well worth the time. I’ve always heard that guilt is the gift that keeps on giving. I’d like to propose a revised version: Validation, indeed, is truly a gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving. Thanks for this post. It’s awesome! (And so are you!)
Excellent post! Right on target. Most of us would turn ourselves inside out, upside down and backward, then twist ourselves like a pretzel, if necessary, in order to get validation. The more we have to do that, the sadder we are, because we really just want to be loved, accepted, validated for who we are.
Okay, nothing new. You just brought up memories of when I went to that kind of effort to get validation. Learning to recognize that awesome, “stubborn,” even prodigal love of our Father takes us a long way. [One definition of "prodigal": "Giving or given in abundance; lavish or profuse: prodigal praise," from the Free Dictionary.]
Michael,
Is it possible to smile for 16 minutes straight? I say Yes! A fantastic video post, but an even better message. I’m using this in my next office devotional. Really, it blew me away! Genius!
That is a great reminder.I think as leaders and in my case a leader in a ministry we get so busy doing ministry and validating others that we forget those on our team who really need it the most at times.
This is fantastic. Thank you for sharing.
I posted this short film on my blog last week. I loved it. I made my kids watch it–and my husband, of course. I’ve seen it four times now.
So glad you found it just as inspiring and important!
A friend emailed the link to me, then I saw it on Tiffany’s blog. So I jumped on the band wagon and wrote a validation piece relating to single parents on my blog with a link to this video. Years ago, I decided on a “Go ahead, make my day” motto, “If I think something nice about someone, why don’t I tell that person?” So I verbalize it, even at fast food drive ups. I LOVE going to one Wendy’s NOT because of the food, but because of the upbeat woman who takes my money–and I told her so.
Some hypothesize that there are 7,500,000,000,000,000,000, or seven quintillion five quadrillion grains of sand in the world. And God’s loving thoughts towards me outnumber every grain. Now THAT’S validation.
Mike, great post, and you are SO right! We all need and crave validation. I do everyday. Problem is, I need to seek it from God and not depend on it from other people. Because only God can truly validate me and who I am. But I want to be a validator as well, to remind people how God feels toward them. I think this is going to be a new prayer of mine…”Lord, how can we together validate __________ today?”
Amazing post. And I identified completely with that photographer… if you want genuine reactions from people, you too must be genuine with them.
Mr. Hyatt, a big AMEN. I’ve read your blog for over a year now and have seen you struggle – and not without cause. I nod my head in agreement, not just because your words are true, but because I am seeing God work in your life and you responding to Him. Praise God.
Here’s a thought: There are times when we experience ourselves as being so empty that all that is left is to continue to validate the others we meet in the most ordinary of circumstances. When we are so exhausted that we can barely cling to the mystery of why we are still here, when our purpose in life has eluded us again, when God seems infinitely distant or reticent, it helps to take pleasure in every glimmering of the ordinary that we see and feel in others. This unheralded moment of give-and-take may actually surpass in beauty and meaning all the grand things we ever wished or hoped for. Let us not fail to remember that those whom we acknowledge and validate may be experiencing their own desert too. And the smile or touch or word of common kindness we exchange may be manna for us both.
Discovering new things like that is one of the great things about your blog. I’m so grateful that you blog.
Mike Wrote: But God is the one Person who is wholly other-centered. He made us in his image and delights in us. He stubbornly loves us even when we are unlovable. If that’s not validation, I don’t know what is.
I love this, Mike. No truer words were ever written.
I recently listened to one of my fav teacher/preachers talking about loving people and have decided to work on loving, thus validating, others.
We are all so uniquely made, some things can only be said by “me.” (or you. each of us.)
I can tell from Gail’s tweets and the dinner I shared with her a few years ago, she is an encourager and validator.
Thanks for this post!
Rachel
Pure magic!!!
I have to confess, I was so validated and inspired, I stole your blog entry for my blog. But I gave you credit. Does that make it ok?
Thanks for the inspiration!
Thanks for a great post!
My blogs was on ‘compliments’ and then I found yours on validating. I was blessed!! I took the video and also linked to your post. Thank you so much for these excellent thoughts.
Oh YES, how true is this? I don't have time to watch the video right now, but your words alone are full of wisdom. I have always been one to easily validate others, so I often crave it myself. When I'm walking surrendered to the Lord's way of thinking, I'm focused on Him and others instead of how anyone else views me. Excellent post.
Ah, but there's validation and there's empty praise.
Once I was doing some side-by-side translating at a banquet at an international event. As we were leaving the banquet hall, a member of the audience came up to me with a bright smile and said, "You did such a good job!" I swelled a bit. "Oh," I said, "do you speak French?" "No," she said brightly. I deswelled. I still haven't figured out exactly what she thought she was complimenting.
I guess she just wanted to make me feel good, which was very sweet, but her compliment was empty. A puff of Dream Whip, with no substance.
The power of a meaningful and justified compliment should never be underestimated though. I've sometimes gone months or years on the strength of one of those. And while I tend to be a bit sparing with mine, I've seen my kids beam with pride when they earn them. They know that I don't hand out compliments unless I've got good reason to and even if they are rarer, they've got a fantastic shelf life. (None of that, "Of course you'd say that, you're my mother.")
Not trying to be difficult here, just looking at the issue from another angle.
That was awesome! Thanks for sharing.
I totally just watched that video for TJ Thyne AKA Dr. Hodgins from Bones, but it was AWESOME. Thanks for posting!
My nephew is the only (half) black member of our entire family. He is being raised by white folk. The question of validating his role in the family, and validating him directly, sort of blind-sided me when he was about 5 years old.
I wrote about it here:
http://bit.ly/tlx42
peace | dewde
I L-U-V this post. My total "hot" button in ministry and life, in general.
If only we could validate as much as we criticize, how much brighter and happier our world around us would be.
If I could err on the side of love, why not? I say. Take a risk. Love and validate someone TODAY. 1 Cor 13.
Thanks, Michael!
IMO, lack of validation in someone's life can slowly starve someone's spirit to death the same way lack of food will starve the body. I've been giving my wife validation in a new venture she's working on.