I don’t like conflict. In fact, sometimes I think I am conflictaphobic. (I just made that word up.) I will do almost anything to avoid it.
As a result, especially early in my career, I would keep my real opinions to myself. I didn’t want to get in trouble. I thought that if I just complied with the system and kept my mouth shut, I would get ahead.
This was a pretty good strategy for a while. But it didn’t really work once people were counting on me to lead.
Why didn’t I want to speak up? I could feign altruism by saying, “I didn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings.” But that would be a lie. The truth is that I was afraid. It was all about me.
- I didn’t want to be embarrassed.
- I didn’t want to lose face.
- I didn’t want to be wrong.
- I didn’t want others to think less of me.
So, I kept quiet. Funny thing is I kept finding myself in situations where I had to speak up. If I didn’t, someone would pay an awful price for my personal comfort.
Years ago, soon after I became head of one of our publishing divisions, I had to confront one of my authors. He was pleasant and cooperative when I spoke with him. But he was demanding, uncooperative, and downright nasty to my staff. Finally, one of them came to me in tears and said, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t take it any more.”
I had to make a choice.
I could let it go, hoping he would improve without intervention … or I could speak up. I wrestled with it all night. I tossed and turned. I got sick to my stomach. I played out every scenario.
Finally, things came into focus: I could either be brave and call him on it or I could be a coward and stop growing as a leader.
Thankfully, I decided to confront him. The next morning I called his cell phone. I was shaking so much, I could barely hold the phone.
I went over the facts. I told him that his behavior was unacceptable. I explained that he would call each of my staff and apologize. He would then send flowers to the person he had offended the most. And if he didn’t? I would stop publication of his book and send him packing.
I was dead serious, and he knew it. To my surprise, he did exactly what I had asked.
I learned an important lesson that day. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear.
My people also learned an important lesson. They learned that I was willing to stand up for them, even at the expense of my own comfort. It drew us closer together as a team.
Frankly, I still find it difficult to be brave. I don’t consider myself to be a courageous person. But now having several of these experiences under my belt, it is a little easier. Now I just notice the fear, pull up my big boy pants, and lean into the situation.
If I can do it, you can, too.
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I've had and continue to have extraordinary experiences with spirit. I've found the courage to express those encounters fully, without the fear of judgement. I have what only can be described as conversations with God, similar to Neale Donald Walsch's story. I'm able to heal and I share my gift without fear. I want to share this with the world. Fear of being different held me back, and fear of judgement.
Thanks for the great post, Simon.
I have had very similar experiences (and conflictahobic tendencies!) in my career. I have found that you can either run behind a rock and spend the rest of your life living with these kinds of weaknesses (and never grow, develop or get promoted), or use the situations (like the one with your nasty author friend) to reach into your gut and face your fears head on. As you found out, it's really not such a big deal once you face it. We blow things so completely out of proportion in our own minds, probably because of something from our past childhood. My conclusion: If we are not terrified once in a while, then we are not really growing.
So true. The situation is SO much worse in our mind. I have never taken something like this on and regretted it. The sooner we take on the dragon, the easier it is. If we procrastinate, it only gets bigger—at least in our mind.
And isn't this a huge part of being a grown up (which sadly most adults refuse to be)? Even though it's difficult to be the one to stand up, face the situation, and deal with it, we need more people who are willing to do so.
Excellent post. We all needed to hear it.
Perfect for the day, as always. Thanks for the honest perspective.
Thanks for sharing a subject we all struggle with. I have found that modern communication technology can lead to these problems. Have you ever had an e-mail that was taken the wrong way? How about a nasty voice mail message when someone is frustrated. How about an e-mail that was forwarded without your consent?
Problems like these can usually be solved with a face to face meeting or a telephone call. It takes courage to bring people together, but so much baggage can be eliminated by doing so. It's funny, but in 2010 we have more ways to communicate than ever, but it is harder to have a real conversation because of all the technology.
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I'm dealing with this right now in my personal life. Thanks for the reminder that we need to act in spite of fear.
I rarely speak up. Very dedicated to keeping quiet and out of conflict. I recently saw an opportunity to step out of my shell when a friend of mine was verbally attacked — won't go into detail — but I stewed and stewed over how to handle it for a long time.
Then I PRAYED. "What should I say? How can I represent YOU while defending my friend?" That's where I got my courage to speak out and hopefully did it respectfully.
Thanks for this post!!
No comment other than to say, wow, this hit home. Gave me pause this morning, Mike.
Awesome, I just recently wrote in my own blog from my experiences Rock Climbing and learning to get outside of one's own comfort zone. This goes hand in hand with fears a lot.
I have a general fear of speaking up and being around crowds. And it's really all about me, just like you listed. I've found that the best way to get over this fear is to simply start stepping outside your comfort zone, to start putting yourself more and more in those uncomfortable situations which require you to be stretched. That's where you face your fears head on and grow the most.
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Great story and post.
There were some other potential lessons taught through this apology exercise. The author-to-be got an opportunity to experience compassion and humility. Your staff had an opportunity to practice forgiveness. Each apology conversation had the potential to create a deeply meaningful dialog. A chance to better understand each other and embark on a new relationship.
We have an opportunity to learn about ourselves and others with every interaction. We choose how we respond to situations. Our response can change the course of the conversation. It can change the course of our relationship with each other.
Our courage to share our thoughts, dreams, and fears is a foundational step towards creating meaningful relationships. Have the courage to share who you are with the world. You will not be disappointed.
Thank you for allowing me to contribute to your story.
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Wow! This is such a timely post… My mentor and I have been talking about this and the whole idea of having a voice and using it… In some ways it’s taking responsibility for the gifts that you’ve been given and is also part of nurturing relationships. It’s not always easy to use my voice, but I’m learning that silence (and seeming indifference) often speaks just as loud, if not louder.
My first time speaking up for a colleague who was wrongly accused, treated shamefully by our mutual superiors, and was let go, had all the same anxious anticipation symptoms you did! The Lord provided the courage which I lacked, the wisdom to say what needed saying in an honest, respectful manner, and the joy to forgive and move on! The respect I gained from my superiors was astounding and a total surprise. I had anticipated a pink slip and was ready to receive it!! Thanks for this post!
Excellent post. I admire your honesty in admitting something many people, including me, have experienced over our lives. Amazing how we play the negative movie in our minds in vivid detail. What has helped me recover from being a conflictaphobic (love that word!) is using an approach described by Maxwell Maltz in his classic book Psycho-Cybernetics: going into a quiet place in my mind to relax and create the picture of the outcome I WANT, not the one I fear. This has made a tremendous difference in how I visualize the situation playing out and it builds my confidence in my ability to carry about the desired behavior.
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Excellent and very timely reminder. I recently started a new job, where I have a much larger leadership role than previous positions. I'm starting to realize that if I don't prayerfully rustle up some courage and speak up, I will ultimately be ineffective in this new role. And that won't be beneficial for anyone in my organization. Thanks for the great post — I needed this today!
For a few decades now, my compass on confrontation has been: The more I'm itching to tell someone my perception of the truth, the more time I should give it. Conversely, the more I want to avoid confrontation at all costs and not speak my mind, the more likely it is that I should (in love and in the right way).
In my 20's, I had a boss who confronted even creditors who took out their anger on the staff. I heard him tell more than one that "We don't work that way, here, and neither do you. Understood?"
I went from that job to a one-lawyer office. Over the course of eight years, I occasionally heard my boss blame his own mistakes and oversights on his secretary–me. I confronted him, once or twice, but it made no difference.
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P.S. I'm almost finished with my reading of Where Is God?, by Dr. John Townsend. He wrote about this kind of issue in Chapter 10–the need to become well defined persons. That's only part of it, but when we know who we are and what we think or believe in, we won't be guided by what others might think of us.
(My problems with this book are these: First, it contains only 11 chapters, and I want more. Second, I can't give it 6 stars.)
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I imagine my wife behind me, gently nudging. It most often gives me all the courage I need.
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Thanks for this post! I still feel fear every time I must confront something as a pastor, because I want people to like me.
The only thing that brings me clarity is when I remember that I ultimately answer to God, not the church.
I think this is true in more than just interpersonal relations. Right now business leaders are facing unprecedented uncertainty, which can lead to fear. That fear can paralyze even the best of leaders, but acting in spite of that fear is what is needed. Not reckless actions, but considered, measured risks that keep things moving.
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OK, this is probably out of line to ask…but my first thought at the end of the story about the author was "did you ever publish anything from them after that point?"
I've had this issue a lot in my life. I don't want to risk losing a job by confronting an employer over improper business practices or a relative because of something they've done that's not acceptable. I've gotten a little better over the years but like you I try to avoid it if I can.
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I lack courage to speak when I am surrounded by men/women who I feel to be wise and more experienced. Those types of situations keep me locked down from communicating. I feel unworthy of expressing an opinion or thought. I rationalize my silence by telling myself that I need to listen and not speak. But slience may not always be the right decision everytime.
Fear can manifest itself in a "consumer" mindset when communicating, and you don't offer anything of value to the conversation. Courage can manifest itself in a "producer" mindset, in which you offer your value (or more importantly, God's value) to the conversation.
I appreciate your thoughts … very encouraging. One of my challenges in speaking up is that I don’t want to hurt feelings or make people not like me. Ironically, whenever someone has called me on something, I’ve usually walked away with greater respect and affection for the person. Funny how our perspective can be backwards so many times. Thanks again.
I have found that conflict is not bad as long as it is handled properly. Without it there is no hope to resolve the issue. I have found for me personally the longer I wait to address an issue the harder it becomes to face. It is imperative for me to handle them promptly and professionally.
Crucial conversations is a great book on this subject.
You go, guy! Loved the part about insisting the infantile author sending flowers.
I find courage to speak up as I recall the Scripture, "Speaking the truth in love. . ." For decades I mistakenly thought I followed this command THEN I noticed the word "speaking." I could no clam up I had to speak up. Tough to do but it's made a God-sized difference in my relationships, and I no longer feel shat upon. Thus bitterness doesn't get the best of me.
The war is won. Satan is vanquished. Live in the power of the One who saved you, Lucy
I loved insisting on that part, too. She deserved them!
Fantastic post Michael. Thanks for your transparency on this matter. I have the same sense of fear in speaking up about things. When I finally decide to, it's too late. In my life, I make a lot of decisions for myself, as we all do, but there are plenty of people who make decisions about me. Often they are in powerful positions over me or maintain quite a humongous level of influence. I need to be courageous and speak up when they make decisions that affect me directly or indirectly that don't sit well with me.
Great post. I love your definition of courage as well. I guess it's easy to admire those who seem to have no fear but the reality is most of us do and it takes courage to overcome it.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Michael. I also appreciated the comments of Bradley Moore, TaterHouse, Brad Harris, and @sarnaa, in particular. I rarely comment in public fora, often caught up in TaterHouse's consumer mindset; being a "fly on the wall" is much easier…so you've invited and inspired a bit of courage here. Even as someone who has received some recognition as a "leader," I go through phases of feeling like an impostor and losing my "mojo." It's an ongoing challenge. Today, I'll lean a little harder into my fear.
Fantastic post, as always. I especially appreciate your point about what it meant to your team to have you stand up for them. By taking the risk to confront that author, you were telling your people that they are more important to you than the dollars that author represented. The idea that "the customer comes first" can be destructive to a healthy team culture. And when your team isn't healthy, customers won't want to come near you, anyway!
A few years ago a new manager took over my department who was very young and very focused on “work above everything.” Because I loved my job and wanted to prove myself to be good part of the team, I slowly started to let my priorities get out of order.
The day I realized it had gotten out of hand was the day I was asked to withdraw a day off I had scheduled a month in advance to chaperone a field trip. When my manager subtly let me know that it could mean my job, I said “I’ll see what I can do..”
Immediately I felt sick in the pit of my stomach, and I knew that I made a wrong decision. – I had mad a promise to my daughter and her teacher, and I knew that I couldn’t break it (there was no professional emergency involved here). I walked into my manager’s office and told her that I had made a decision and that I was going on the field trip.
Yes, I eventually lost my job, but I got my family back, and the world did not end. Although I still believe in working hard and giving my best, I have never again let my priorities get out of order again.
Good for you. This is a great story. It's an even better story that it cost you so much. This communicated something huge to your family. I love that!
Wow. Great post. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
I'm a people-pleaser, so I need to find the courage to be more upfront about my feelings – especially when I am initially confronted with a conflict. I've found that, particularly in professional environments and in church leadership environments, I tend to default to "shock absorber" mode, scrambling to clean up other people's messes, playing the referee in other people's conflicts, pretending like I'm not inconvenienced when I am, saying "yes" just because no one else will.
My husband is a lot better at being honest (yet respectful) upfront. This saves him from secretly resenting people… and it saves people from being secretly resented! I've learned a lot from him!
That's an amazing experience, Michael. Thank you for sharing. I'm conflictaphobic too, but whenever I've been able to gather courage to speak up, I've been glad I did (usually afterward, I'll admit). There's someone in my life who was a daily thorn in the flesh for years. I tolerated it, thinking that I should just forbear. When I finally spoke up after many years, the person was shocked, and had no idea how utterly battered I felt by her constant critique. She has worked on improving, and the relationship, while not perfect, is much more balanced now.
Thank you for the good reminder.
"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear". Michael, that is sooooo very true. Not easy, but true. Thanks for the reminder!
Great post! Thank you for sharing. Courage is a difficult thing to walk out at time but so much changes when we rise to the occasion; when we "feel the pain and do it anyway". More times than not, those changes are for the better.
I have never regretted speaking up. However, I have many regrets about not speaking up.
Thank you. God has been nudging me recently about this very thing.
Guess I need to do something about it, huh?
What a great story. I felt nervous even reading the climax! I think it's something that we all fear because we want to be nice. It reminds me of a book called Crucial Conversations – great book about critical conversations when the stakes are high.
I have that book, but I have not read it. It sounds good.
The first thing I do when I encounter situations that demand my attention is to go to my prayer closet and ask God for knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. Right now in my life, the place where I have to have courage to speak up is at school either advocationg for my students or dealing with discipline. This year, in particular, I had one class that I needed courage to deal with–I realised if I didn't push back and push back hard, they would walk all over me and nothing would get done in our class. One of the girls asked me the question, didn't I want them to like me. My answer, No! We made it through the semester, all the kids did all parts of their senior projects, and all of them passed. And, last, but not least, I kept my sanity!
I begin with prayer, too. That’s always the best place to start when we feel we lack anything, especially courage.
Wow, Mike. Your courage to share that situation was amazing and it definitely hit home. I will direct people to this one.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
Great post. So many people are willing to let the pain build or to commit 'sins of omission' rather than face confrontation.
I do not like confrontation, but when I know that it needs to be done, I actually feel more uneasy leaving it undone. The consequences of the encounter do not hold as much discomfort for me as not doing what I am supposed to do before God. My fault is to rush into it too precipitately, not to wait for prayer and the right time and place. Not confronting people publicly, for instance — re Matthew 18:15.
I owe my ability to handle confrontation to my school years, being constantly teased, and having to stand up to it with grace and no retaliation, something my parents insisted on. Back then, I thought myself the most unfortunate kid in the whole school. It took me decades to learn to thank God for that early discipline through hardship, which stands me in good stead when conflict threatens.
Lesson 1 – Learning to speak up.
Lesson 2 – Learning to shut up!
After I learnt to speak up I then had to learn to shut up! By shutting up I mean that although there are situations that need someone to speak up and say something it is not always my place to do so! This can be difficult at first because often it’s your sense of indignation over a percieved injustice that stirs you up to speak and you just want to blast someone!
I have learnt that by taking a moment to pray often God’s wisdom with give me a unique strategy to handle the situation. This may mean approaching it more gently or positively than I feel like giving. Many times it has meant asking one of my trusted team members to say something to the person/s involved rather than doing it myself. Their relationship with the person enables them to be heard and understood better than I would have been.
The best outcome of any conflict it is restoring and improving relationships so if I keep this end goal in mind there is a better chance my method of handling the conflict is much more productive.
This is a great point. I think it's often easy for leaders to forget that part of their role is protecting their staff, and that unless they do that, they will never earn their team's trust. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the extent to which other people are relying on us to help push us through our own fears.
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Thank you very much for posting this. I read this after I had to make a stand in a situation, and knew it was one of the many confirmations from the Lord that I did the right thing. It was very hard to do so I was very thankful to have this leadership perspective.
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