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How to Become Your Spouse’s Best Friend

What does marriage have to do with leadership? If you are married, everything. Nothing will undermine your effectiveness as a leader faster than a bad marriage. Your marriage is a living example of what it is like to be in a close relationship with you. This is why it is so important that leaders get this right if they want to influence others.

A Couple, Riding Bikes and Hoding Hands Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/Renphoto, Image #10291317

Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/Renphoto

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is very me-centered. Gail and I often talk to people who are frustrated with their spouses. Most of this stems from the fact that they are not getting what they think they need or what they think they should be getting.

I am not saying that it is wrong to give voice to your needs. I am saying that it is often an ineffective way to get them met, unless you first sow the seeds of giving and servanthood. (This is also good practice for being a leader in any sphere of life.)

Gail and I have been married for 33 years next month. We can both honestly say that we are one another’s best friends. We talk constantly, go on long walks together, and eat almost every meal together. We just love being in each other’s company.

But what if you don’t have this kind of relationship with your spouse? We work with enough couples to know that this kind of intimacy and friendship is rare.

But, honestly, we are not special. I don’t want to be naive, but I don’t think it is that difficult—if you are willing to make the investment.

If you are, then I would recommend three steps:

  1. Make a list of what you would want in a best-friend. If you were going to advertise on Craig’s List for a best friend, what would the ad look like? Perhaps it might look like this:
    Wanted: Best Friend

    Prospective candidates will:

    • Make me feel good about being me.
    • Affirm my best qualities (especially when I am feeling insecure)
    • Call out the best in me, and hold me accountable to the best version of myself.
    • Listen without judging or trying to fix me.
    • Give me the benefit of the doubt.
    • Extend grace to me when I am grumpy or having a bad day.
    • Remember my birthday, favorite foods, music, and art.
    • Know my story and love me regardless.
    • Spend time with me, just because they enjoy my company.
    • Speak well of me when I am not present.
    • Serve me with a joyful spirit and without complaining.
    • Speak the truth to me when no one else will.
    • Never shame me, diminish me, or make me feel small.
    • Become excited about what I am excited about.
    • Celebrate my wins!
  2. Now become that person for your spouse. That’s right. Turn the table. Make this a list of the kind of friend you will become. I can promise you this: anyone who does half of these kinds of things will have more friends than he or she knows what to do with. But what if you focused this effort on your spouse? Think of the possibilities.
  3. Keep sowing the seeds, until the relationship blossoms. How long will it take to create this kind of relationship? It all depends on where you are starting. For some, it might be several months. For others, it might take years. Friendships are like gardens; they must be cultivated. The key is to be consistent and persistent—without expectations.

This is really nothing more than the application of the Golden Rule to marriage: “Do to others what you would want them to do to you” (Luke 6:31).

If couples would invest in one another like I am suggesting, the divorce rate would plummet. Romance is important. Sex is too. But a solid friendship is the foundation of everything else.

Question what could you do today to be a better friend to your spouse? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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Posted on June 9, 2011

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  • Anonymous

    Thanks for the reminder Michael. Someone once told me that love is a decision as well as an emotion and that has helped me to keep my marriage as a priority. The thing I am working on currently to better my marriage is to prioritize one on one time with my wife. With young children at home its a challenge but our relationship is always strengthened when we make it happen.

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  • Anonymous

    Mike, really fantastic post – one of your best. Thanks for the challenge to be a better husband and for providing the mirror of what a fulfilling marriage looks like. Love to you and Gail. 

  • http://twitter.com/calinvalean Calin

    Following your blog for quite a while, I understand at least one thing: that you had a very supportive wife. I guess that’s one of the most difficult parts in a relationship, to have a supportive wife and the man is screwing some things up. In these moment is so easy for the man to lose confidence  and this is a very good starting point for a downward spiral in terms of confidence. We, as men, need a bit of a room where we can fail and be able to tell to our wives about our failures, without being criticized or humiliated. ( I am not encouraging here an yes man attitude) When there is a 50% chance to be humiliated or not understood in these situations I can bet that relation is going to be colder and colder.
    Nevertheless the list is useful and as you said it could take a longer time for its effects to be seen.

  • http://uma-maheswaran.blogspot.com/ Uma Maheswaran S

    Great advice to people who are single and are planning to get wedlocked soon. Like any other relationship, it is evident that relation betwwen husband and wife must be nurtured intentionally and nothing will happen by accident.

  • Anonymous

    Excellent message! My wife is definitely my best friend, and the light of my life along with my beautiful children. So many people miss out on the beauty of this because it is a “me first” culture. Thanks for sharing this, Michael…

  • http://alexspeaks.com Alex Humphrey

    In my new marriage (almost 2 months!) this is something we have been working on. I love the way you’ve explained it: have your spouse write down what she wants in a best friend and then work to be that person!

    Tonight, when she gets home from work, I am going to talk to my wife about this. I think it will help us a lot!

  • http://twitter.com/ChristianRay Christian Ray Flores

    Deb and I are best friends. It takes years of hard work but brings decades of incomparable joy. 

  • http://davidsantistevan.com David Santistevan

    So great to see posts on marriage spread like this. Our generation needs this. Mike, your ebook has helped my wife and I immensely. If you want a relationship to succeed, you’ve got make deposits into each other. You’ve got to be intentional or it doesn’t happen.

  • EvaFearless

    Great read. :) I am not married but I want to start putting these tactics into practice now and later. Thanks!

  • Scoulter9316

    I have been married18 years and he hasn’t let go Of his moms apron strings. How can you be their best friend when their mom is?

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Let me ask you, “How can you become his best friend?” If that is too much of a stretch, “How can you become a better friend?”

  • Anonymous

    I saw the title of this post and put off reading it a few days because I was pretty sure of what I would find:  A description of a terrific marriage (and I am honestly happy for you and I do believe it is the result of hard work) followed by suggestions on how to achieve the same. I think the pressure to be “good Christians” makes it difficult for people to talk about their real struggles and I find that discouraging. 

    Here’s my situation, so common as to be almost boring.  We are christians, married almost 25 years with high school and college age children.  My husband works 70-80 hours a week in the business he owns.   Remarkably, he and some like-minded friends had a discussion recently when they complained that people mislabeled the hard work they do for their families as being workaholics!

     I am working and he is “too crazy busy” to help out at home so I am covering almost all the household responsibilities. I will never work as long as he does, so he always ”wins” with that excuse. We are to the point of more duty than love, although I don’t think either of us wants to say it out loud.  I feel like I tried to live this list for years and he was pretty happy with it, but I was getting less and less back because he physically isn’t there.

    I know he wants a better marriage, but work is his blind spot.  There are always excuses for the long hours  First it was buying the business, then expanding, then the economy.  Since my love language is quality time, is it any surprise that I don’t feel particularly valued?  We have talked about counseling, but I don’t know when he would find the time.
     
    I guess I should show him the list in the blog and ask him to work on it with me. He might do it–but he might decide he doesn’t have time and that would break my heart. 

  • Pedro M.

    I like the spirit with which you instructed us on the “Wanted- Best Friend” ad, but if you love in the way you want to be loved, you’re selling your spouse and yourself short.  Taking the time to get to know your spouse, what it is they want, what they love, how they feel loved, how they feel listened to – much more important than playing the “golden rule – treat others the way you want to be treated.”  For some, I understand, doing it this way will be a drastic improvement, but for those of us who are further down the road and can’t understand why we keep buying the wrong presents on birthdays, play the wrong music, invite the wrong BFF over to a dinner party – you’ll do yourself a favor by taking the want ad and asking your spouse “what is your top 10 list for things in a best friend?” and being that instead.  

    If you are having a hard time with a list of your own, or asking your spouse for one, take Michaels and use it – you will find it does some great things for your relationship.

  • Joe Griffin

    Excellent advice. My wife is my best friend and we are 28 years and counting. I once took to heart some advice I heard that instead of thinking of marraige as a 50/50 deal we should look at it as 100/100 each giving 100% without demanding anything in return.
    Joe

  • Anonymous

    Besides where I was with the Lord this morning (Psalm 103), this is the most hope-filled thing I read all day! Thank you Michael. 

  • http://www.charisscofield.com charis

    i love this and am definitely going to share it.  my favorite part is  “now become that person for your spouse.”  great practical do-able advice.my recent post: you do not have to get divorced

  • Anonymous

    Loved this!

  • http://twitter.com/SarahM58 Sarah M

    Being unselfish and selfless can be very hard, but it’s safe to see needs get met mutually this way.  On the articles on the site: http://www.keepmarriagealive.com/saving-my-marriage the two concepts of leadership and honoring one another are put together to show leaderships role.  

  • http://www.jeffrandleman.com Jeff Randleman

    Heather and I have been married for over 17 years.  we are great friends, but there is much room for improvement in this area.  We’ve had some rocky times, just like anyone else.  But we are committed to growing together, and ever closer ion the process.

    Thanks for a very timely post!

  • http://twitter.com/SarahM58 Sarah M

    We still have to remind each other that we are friends first.  We are in a very stressful situation in our lives and it sets us against each other frequently.  Honest and open communication sometimes into the early morning is the only way to work it out together.  But, it is worth all of the hard work.

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  • Rainman2581

    My husband and I are sparated at this time.  The end of this month will be 21 years.  I have blamed him for all of our problems.  In visiting with my step father and finding some of our old love letters…I have to my shame realized that I did push him away.  It has been difficult for me to find the medium between wife and mother.  Four years later…here we are apart. 
    Of course there are more details I prefer to keep for personal reasons. 
    However, I went to him this afternoon and confessed my wrongful and hurtful doings.  I have even gone so far to contact our friends who I blindly and selfishly spoke against “his” wrongs.  True he is still to be held accountable…but he does not deserve the entire wrap.
    We have a modest lifestyle…and cannot afford expensive counciling.  Right now my heart is so heavy with remorse.  I simply pray that these past four years of pain have not torched his desire to be with me.  I want so much to have my best friend back….I have been so lonely without him…and here I was my own problem.  Please pray that God heal his hurts and restore our marriage…  We were once really good together.  And I have faith that with God’s power we will again.
    Prayerfully,

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I would encourage you to find a way to get into counseling. Some churches and other organizations will work with you on a reduced fee or none at all. Even if you have to pay for it, it is less expensive than the alternative. Warm regards.

  • http://redeemingcarolyne.wordpress.com/ Carolyne Jimenez

    This is good, really good. I am a bit convicted by the “taking years” part. I have attempted every possible way to engage and improve my marriage, but often fissile as my efforts are not reciprocated. 
    I am searching to learn how to truly hold on to God and be able to persevere regardless the outcome. This is so so so hard and I keep failing!

  • http://www.etiquetteexpert.com Jacqueline Whitmore

    I’d like to add one more tip that has worked for my husband and me:  Always remember to say “thank you.”  I try to thank my husband for all the big and small gestures he does everyday. We’ve been happily married for 13 wonderful years!

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Good thought!

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      This is a really important point. Thanks for mentioning it.

  • Dr. Tom E.

    Thanks great reading.
    Tom E.
    Lawton, OK

  • http://profiles.google.com/zachauthor Karen Zacharias

    Coming up on 33 years and yes, I absolutely Amen this post. 

  • http://www.etiquetteexpert.com Jacqueline Whitmore

    I’d like to add one more tip that has worked for my
    husband and me:  Always remember to say “thank you.”  I try
    to thank my husband for all the big and small gestures he does everyday. We’ve
    been happily married for 13 wonderful years!

     

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  • Pchristie

    What if my husband has filed for divorce after 27 years – is it to late?  Begging hasn’t worked but I love him and want him to come home.  Communication and relationship was our problem – we weren’t friends.  HELP!

  • Jim Martin

    Michael, this is an outstanding post.  I read part of it to our church yesterday.  Very, very good.

  • wendy

    affirm him

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  • Crystal

    Thank you so much for posting this. I totally agree with it all i just have 1 question. I’v never had a BEST friend, only Jesus. My husband and i have been married almost 6 years and i love him sooo much more than anyone ever (except the Lord). I never knew real love befor him. I used to think he was my best friend but as time goes on i couldn’t help but wonder what is a best friend, is he really? Not being pridefull but humbly and only because of the Lord can i say i do all that is on that check list. But i fall short on opening up to my husband and letting him in on all my deep  feelings. He knows how i feel on certain issues and such but the reasons i feel or act the way i do i dont share. I’m scared if i should even, and dont want to be vulnerable, are we supposed to do that? What if he thinks bad things of me or doesn’t like me or if its a turn off (non sexual) for him towards me? He will think i’m insecure and have no self confidence and i know he doesn’t like that. There’s so much more. I have thought how nice it would be to have someone to talk to about personal things and thoughts but would NEVER go to anyone. How i would love to be able to go to my husband with my true feelings, he knows nothing of this and thinks he knows all my feelings but he don’t. I don’t know what to do and can’t ask anyone we know i want to honer him and respect him and not embaress him i wouldn’t want to even go to our pastor i dont want to make our marriage or my husband look bad they are both great and i love them so much! Sory this is so long i didn’t intend for it to be i just had to get it out. thanks for listening…. God bless!   

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I think friends (and lovers) have to practice “paced self-revelation.” In other words, you “peel off a piece of the onion” and you reveal something about yourself. This gives him the courage to peel off a piece and share something with you. And it goes back and forth from there. You just try to get a little deeper each time. Ultimately, if both of you participate, you can develop a deep and mutually-satisfying relationship. But it doesn’t happen overnight.

      Thanks.

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  • Vanilla

    Hi I am only 18 years old, and I leave for boot camp soon, but I really like this guy, and he really likes me back. We are just friends right now. We don’t know if we will date or not, but we know we will keep in contact no matter what. I Have written down all the things I want in a best friend, and in the guy I fall in love with. He matches them both all the way but I haven’t told him. What do you think?

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      This is old-fashioned, but I would let him take the initiative.

  • kasi

    I am preparin myself while waiting…:)

    • kasi

      this is very helpful information and as a young woman…I will strive to develop and prepare my self…

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  • FemmeFuel

    Fantastic idea of turning the table, and using the list to modify our own behaviors.

    Love the range of topics in your blog, Michael…all so different, but each one so relevant and integral from a leadership perspective.

    JM

    http://femmefuel.wordpress.com/

  • Lourdes

    well I thought my Husband and I were best friends after two years of marriage we are in the process of being divorce. Today I do talk to him I lift him up in prayer but I have to be honest the emotions i feeling today are mixed I love my husband but the fact that he allowed obstacles that he had control off come between us hurts very much. I know that I serve an awesome GOD and he has control over all things so there is a possibility of restoring my marriage and one day i may also say i am celebrating my 25 or 50 wedding anniversary with my best friend   

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  • Ian

    Thanks for the reminder that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence it’s greener where you water it!

  • http://twitter.com/rooftopministry Cheryl Floyd

    My only reservation to this line of thinking is by way of Chapman’s Love Languages ideas: we tend to think in terms of our own wants but not of others. So in order to be our spouse’s best friend, doing what we would want for ourselves will not always yield good results. We have to study our spouse and find out what their wants, desires, preferences, and dreams are – that really is what “we” would want for ourselves. And then we have to do some sacrficing sometimes because those findsing will sometimes conflict with our flesh.

    I have seen in my own marriage these results, and my husband has gone a long way in hearing God and seeking to be my best friend, after I listened to God tell me what he needed first. :)

  • Perry Coghlan

    You are right on target. The summary of Christian duty is to be other focused: “Love God with all….” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” After 40 years of marriage I can testify that selflessness combined with the grace and mercy of the Gospel,  are central to a successful marriage and any other human relationship. This is a duty to be embraced, a habit of mind and life to develop (Eph. 4:17-32), and the normal Christian life.

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  • http://www.andrebor.nl Andre J.C. Bor

    Thank you Michael. Great post! (and I love my wife :))

  • Pastor Hoppe @ ihoppe.com/blog

    Remember though that your spouse may not wish to be loved the way you want to be loved.  Learn rather how they like to be loved and do that.  have them make the list rather than you.

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