When I started out in my career, the key to success was having the right answers. If the boss had a question, he expected me to have the answer—or know where to get it. Those who advanced in their careers the quickest were seemingly the ones who had the most answers.

But as I began to ascend the corporate ladder, I discovered that the key to success began to shift. It became less and less about having the right answers and more and more about having the right questions.

A few weeks ago, I was called by a consultant who was prospecting for business. He was a friend of a friend, so I felt duty-bound to give him thirty minutes to tell me about his company and the services he provides. Sadly, it was a complete waste of time.

For starters, the guy talked non-stop. I probably didn’t say more than three sentences in the entire call. Worse, he made all kinds of assumptions about me and my business. Most of them were wrong.

A few weeks ago, I sat down with an old friend to catch up. He lost his job about nine months ago in a recession-induced layoff and has been unable to find another job. He’s had plenty of interviews just no offers.

“What’s wrong with me?” he asked. “Why won’t someone offer me a job?” He was clearly discouraged.

To be a true influencer in the lives of those you lead, you must understand a simple, but powerful question. It is one your followers are asking. It goes like this: “Are you for me, against me, or for yourself?”

It is a great question, one that is asked by those you and I lead at least once within the relationship. Once the question has been confirmed, it rarely comes up again. Our followers know our intent towards them or at least towards ourselves.

I am good at a few things. But waiting is not one of them. Whether it is being put on hold when I call a business, sitting in the waiting room of my dentist’s office, or standing in the security line at the airport, I am impatient.

As I am writing this tonight, we are waiting on the test results for my granddaughter, Libby. She has had strange symptoms for a couple of years. Finally, after she vomited again this afternoon, my daughter, Mindy, took her to the emergency room. My wife, Gail, dropped what she was doing to be at her side.

Why do books have “running heads”? This is where publishers put the title of the book on every other page, usually alternating with the chapter title. Comedian Brian Regan asks, “Why?”

Gail and I are going to see Brian live on Sunday night. I can’t wait! Second only to Ken Davis, he is my favorite comedian.

If you are going to be an effective leader, you must be able to enter into your followers’ world. In fact, if you are going to influence anyone for anything—whether it is your boss, your employees, a client, your spouse, or even your kids—you are going to have to get really good at incarnational leadership.

This leadership principle is based on the Christian teaching that “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us” (John 1:14a). Imagine that: God entered into our world in order to bring us back to Himself.

I’ve met a lot of leaders. Most of them average, some good. But two or three have changed my life forever.

In one of the comments regarding yesterday’s post, my friend, Ron Edmondson, said, “I would love to sit at your dinner table sometime. Great conversations!” As I read that, I thought, We do have great conversations around our dinner table! Then I realized that these don’t happen by accident.

As a leader, how do you become a better leader? If you’re like me, you probably read a lot of books, listen to podcasts, and attend a few conferences. But one of the best ways to grow is to ask other leaders questions.