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What Are You Doing to Protect Your Marriage?

The lead story in the news for the last several days has been Arnold Schwarzenegger’s infidelity. Apparently, he has fathered at least one child out-of-wedlock. There are likely more.

An Isolated Apple Hanging on a Tree - Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/dsteller, Image #299929

Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/dsteller

To be honest, this whole thing makes me angry, especially when I consider the impact this is having on his wife and children. He is also one more negative example for our own children and grandchildren.

After hearing about this story, my wife Gail asked, “How does someone like Schwarzenegger engage in this behavior?” Great question. Off the top of my head, I offered this:

  • He had numerous opportunities.
  • He evidently thinks he is special—and entitled.
  • He is using his blood supply to power an organ other than his brain at the moment-of-temptation. (Yes, I really did say that.)

However, I don’t intend for this post to be a rant against Gov. Schwarzenegger. I am not his judge. He will give an account of his choices—as I will mine.

But I want to go on the record and say this: adultery is not normal. It certainly isn’t inevitable. It is not the way God created us. We were made for monogamy and fidelity.

When we are loyal, we reflect the faithfulness of our Creator. When we are disloyal, we reflect the betrayal of both Satan and Adam. It is no wonder that the Bible often speaks of sin as “spiritual adultery.” Betrayal is the original sin.

However, we live in a fallen world—one that is increasingly indifferent to sexual sin. If we want to live and lead with intention, we can’t be naive. We must recognize the temptation adultery poses and protect ourselves accordingly. Nothing will destroy our influence and legacy faster than an affair.

If we are going to avoid becoming casualties, we must have a strategy. Here are three actions I take in order to protect my marriage:

  1. I invest in my relationship with Gail. It is amazing to me that so many men are willing to invest such enormous spiritual, emotional, and financial resources in relationships other than the one they have. This doesn’t make economic sense. If you want your marriage to grow and flourish, you must invest in it. This means investing time—dreaming, laughing, listening, and crying together.
  2. I set specific boundaries. This may sound old-fashioned, perhaps even legalistic. So be it. I think our world could use a little old-fashioned common sense. Therefore:
    • I will not go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex.
    • I will not travel alone with someone of the opposite sex.
    • I will not flirt with someone of the opposite sex.
    • I will speak often and lovingly of my wife. (This is the best adultery repellant known to man.)
  3. I consider what is at stake. What story do I want my grandchildren to tell? This puts it all in perspective for me. Do I want them to be proud of my life’s story or embarrassed? Do I want to be remembered as a person who loves his wife and is faithful to her? Or do I want to be the one who squandered his legacy in a moment of indiscretion?

It is time for real leaders to lead—not only in their professional lives but in their personal ones as well. If we can’t lead ourselves, we are not qualified to lead others. Character matters. We must take responsibility for our own actions. Our grandchildren are counting on it.

Question: What are you doing to protect your marriage? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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Posted on May 24, 2011

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  • http://www.danieldecker.net Daniel Decker

    Wow. Amazingly powerful, needed and true. I try to live my relationship with my wife in the way you described above. I used to think it was silly to put some of the “old fashioned” barriers in place but the older I get, the more wise I realize that is. Sin is sneaky and looks for cracks in the armor. I want remove as many cracks as I can.  My wife and my life are too important to jeopardize it all for a thrill.

    What burns me most on stuff like is how many people SAY the same thing you are saying but then we find out years later that they had been living a lie and being unfaithful all along. (Not saying you are, of course but saying I hope we can also help others who are making the wrong choice not contribute to the hypocrisy).

  • http://twitter.com/kevinmwall Kevin M Wall

    Michael-
    Thanks for another great post. I laughed to myself when I read your 3rd tactic for proteting your marriage. Whevener I find myself in a situation where I feel that a person of the opposite sex is “coming onto me” the first thing I often bring up is my eife and I almost always overemphasize the fact that I am a married man. I bring attention to my wedding ring, either by tapping it, twirling it on my finger or making intentional gesture with my left hand. Most of these I have done so often that they are now embeded in my self conscious. I wholeheartedly agree that they are a FANTASTIC infidelity repellant!
    On your other points, I find it difficult to bring into practice for myself but also agree that they should be done. I am a financial professional and often in dealing with sensitive issues I am meeting with the opposite sex behind closed doors (for confidentiality reasons), and occasionaly for a meal. I do have practices in place, having my assistant enter at predetermined times to share paperwork or to be a general “timer” to keep me on schedule. As far as meeting for meals is concerned I always choose a busy place where the illusion of intimacy can be avoided (I am a fan of the local diner!) Not the best solution, but given the alternative I am cognizant of the risks. If anyone has any other ideas of how I can better protect myself and mt marriage I would be more than pleased to hear them and put them into practice.
    Thanks again!

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I think the main thing, Kevin is to be intentional. That’s why I didn’t share a list of universal rules that everyone should observe. The most important thing is to think it through, discuss it with your spouse, and be thoughtful.

      By the way, I am always surprised when I meet a man who won’t wear a wedding ring. That is always a “red flag” for me.

  • http://twitter.com/CheapLoveCarrie Carrie Starr

    Your “rules” are so basic and yet vitally important.  It is so easy to make excuses and break them, not thinking through the long-term consequences. Thanks for this reminder of the importance of boundaries and protecting what is most dear to us.

  • http://twitter.com/CheapLoveCarrie Carrie Starr

    Your rules are so simple and yet powerful.  It’s too easy to make excuses and break my own similar rules without giving full consideration to the consequences.  Thank you for this reminder to guard what is most dear to me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jean.zook Jean Benkendorf Zook

    Amen – We are involved with Family Life Ministries and would encourage you to encourage your church to do the Art Of Marriage video conference  http://www.artofmarriage.net.  This resource will do exactly what you are saying by engaging the attendees to invests in their marriage and most importantly to leave a solid legacy for future generations that is pleasing and honoring to God.  “We are all someone’s ancestors!” How will they remember you?

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Love that quote: “we are all someone’s ancestors.”

  • Kristin Orton

    I greatly respect your commitment to your wife and your marriage, and I can tell from this and other posts how important that is in your life.  I also agree that setting boundaries is a healthy way to help keep your own behavior in check, and temptation away.  However, one of the boundaries you listed “I will not go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex”, has been sitting uneasy with me the last day, and I’ve been trying to think about why.

    As I think about my role as a professional woman I am concerned that by setting up this boundary to protect your marriage, you could be inadvertently setting up a work environment that is discriminating against your women employees.  Many women in the working world feel that they are not given the same opportunities as their male colleagues.  They also feel like they aren’t included in the social aspect of business, such as lunches, golf outings, happy hour, etc.  I am concerned that male leaders will set boundaries, such as not socializing with women colleagues, that will lead to unintentional affects.  I think socialization with colleagues is one way that you get to know a person’s true character and values.  If a male leader only socializes individually with male employees and not female employees they will naturally get to know the character of their male employees better than their female employees, and as a result be more likely to promote the male when a position becomes available.  I get concerned that male leaders will, with good intentions for their own marriages, continue to perpetuate the “good old boys” mentality that is so prevalent in the working world.  I know that if the leaders I work for treated me differently than my male colleagues I’m not sure that’s a company I would want to work for.  In almost every industry I know of, there is concern that among the top leaders there are few women represented.  I worry that setting these types of boundaries on your behavior as a leader could continue to make women feel that they are not equals and not valued in the workplace.  

    I think I can say as a regular reader of your blog that this is not your intention or your heart, so I wanted to give my thoughts as something to think about.  I’m not sure what the solution would be, because adultery is a very serious issue that we need to deal with.  I also think we have to be careful that by focusing on the issue of adultery we aren’t contributing to another problem of inequality.  I’m curious if this is something you have thought about and have handled differently in your own company.  Perhaps my concerns are unfounded, but I thought it was an issue worth mentioning.    

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Kristin, thanks for your thoughtful words. I think this is worth mentioning. I appreciate the opportunity to clarify.

      As you may know, I have five daughters. As a result, I feel very comfortable around women and have numerous female friends. I am not advocating that men avoid socializing with women—only doing so in private. Whenever I am at conferences, I almost always eat with a small group of men and women. It might be as few as three or as many as eight. It is almost always a mixed group.

      I do think you raise an important point, and all leaders need to think it through. Sometimes even our good intentions can have unintentional consequences. Thanks again.

      • Dbrennanj

        Michael, I continue to appreciate your spirit…seeking wisdom, honoring one’s spouse. I am deeply curious ( I don’t know the ages of your daughters–anyone of them adults, yet?) if you would advocate the same guidelines for fathers of adult daughters. In my research and experience, there is this huge gap among some evangelicals with the opposite sex when it comes to family and “family” within the Body of Christ. You can see why I am curious and why I think evangelicals need to think more deeply about sexual formation in their communities.

  • Joe Lalonde

    Thanks for the great post Michael. It’s always good to be reminded of what business needs to be taken care of. I really liked the last paragraph of this post. Leaders do need to lead in their personal life as well as their professional life. I’ve had friends and family say “I don’t care what so and so does in their personal life. It’s what they do in their professional life or elected office that counts”. To me, if they don’t have an upstanding personal life, how can they have an upstanding professional life?

  • Kristina

    Michael,

    I so appreciated this post. 
    My husband and I are both thirty years old and maintain the same
    boundaries you listed above.  Oftentimes,
    the response of friends, co-workers, and even church members is misunderstanding.  First, they seem to believe that he and I
    could never be the kind of people who would do such a thing.  They fail to recognize that we are people,
    and people do such things.  Second, as
    you alluded to, others seem to think we are entirely too legalistic.  This is nonsensical to me.  We ensure that our money is in FDIC secured
    accounts, our jewels are in fire-proof safes, our homes are insured, and our
    children don’t play too closely to the street. 
    We are vigilant to protect what is most valuable to us.  The same principle applies to my marriage.

    From a woman’s perspective, there are two other boundaries
    that I would suggest –

    Obviously as women we should be careful in our choice of
    dress, but the heart of this is even more important.  As a married woman, I should desire and
    delight in the attention of my husband alone. 
    If I begin to desire (or delight in) the attention of other men, it will
    manifest itself in attention-drawing clothes. 
    If I choose to walk down this road, I will find a multitude of eager men
    willing to give me more than just the attention I desire.  Guarding our hearts in this area is crucial.

    Second, as women (and as a man, I’m sure) we should maintain
    careful emotional boundaries with members of the opposite sex.  I may never go to lunch alone with a man
    other than my husband, but if I have a particularly engaging conversation with
    a male co-worker in the break room, there is a very real possibility that an
    emotional connection could be made.  This
    can be dangerous.  Again, I must protect my
    heart and mind with all diligence.

    Thank you so much for your post.  Your and Gail’s example is a gift, and your
    legacy will reach far beyond your grandchildren.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing this and being HONEST. It’s amazing to me how even Christians want to blur the lines of being faithful. Don’t allow yourself to be put into tempting situations. That is one of our jobs as a spouse.  I’ve heard so many useless excuses in marriages for why cheating happened or why going to lunch or traveling alone with someone of the opposite gender  is okay or required by the job. One pastor recently said that God’s standards were too high for us to achieve when it came to lust and affairs. Um what?

    Blessings,
    Mel
    Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God

    • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

      Melinda

      I certainly respect your view, however, I’d  like to add some thoughts:

      Going out to lunch with a person who is a member of the opposite sex is not a rough equivalent to cheating on a spouse. If I have lunch in a public place with a female friend or co-worker, I really don’t view that as cheating. Especially since my wife is usually aware when I am having lunch with another person (male or female). I really don’t feel that having lunch is a useless excuse.

      I don’t feel that God’s standards are too high to achieve, I do feel that many of the rules that we create are counter productive. We are to have boundaries in our life.  You may set yours where they are comfortable for you. I have set mine (along with my wife) to where they are comfortable and work for us.

      • Anonymous

        Steve, we can agree to disagree on this. What you and your wife agree on is not what my husband and I have agreed upon. We have decided that it is best for us to not put ourselves into those positions to start. Affairs don’t usually just happen, they develop over time spent together. We have chosen to protect our marriage from that temptation. Neither of us see any reason either of us needs to go out alone with someone of the opposite sex. After 17 1/2 years together, this works for us. Most people don’t think they will be the ones who will have an affair and yet, it sometimes happens. So we are proactive in protecting our marriage. And I don’t believe that I stated that going to lunch with someone was the same as having an affair or even eluded to that thought. 

        If you and your wife are okay with you spending one on one time alone with another woman, then that’s your business.

  • http://www.thehahnhuntinglodge.com Nikole Hahn

    You’re not old fashioned. I follow those same rules. I just don’t feel comfortable having lunch with a male friend minus my husband or car pooling with the opposite sex unless I am forced to due to circumstances. I believe in investing in my marriage and working to keep the spark in it. Like a stick we take from a campfire, if we don’t continue to feed it fuel and oxygen the flame will die and the glowing red ember will fade until you don’t remember why you married him in the first place. That’s a place our marriage will never know because I love my husband…dearly.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Connie-Walsh-Brown/1224074283 Connie Walsh Brown

      Nikole, I’m glad you love your husband dearly and want to invest in your marriage.

      Can I speak to you as I would my married daughter? While you work on your marriage, I’d like to encourage you to rest in the truth that love that can go the distance is more than a flickering feeling, it is a decision. Commitment and the decision to love can sustain a marriage through years of fluctuating flames when hardships, money or job challenges and busy lives may distract us from keeping a romantic flame strong. Know that God’s love in a Christian marriage never dies, even if it a flame between a husband and wife may be ebb or temporarily die. God’s love still shines, as a candle during a dark time, and can reignite fun and strong sparks in a marriage.

      I went into marriage terrified it wouldn’t work since my mother had gone through two painful divorces. But after more than 35 years of marriage, I’ve found that ultimately, it has not been our willpower or feelings that have kept our marriage viable. What’s important has been God’s love released within our hearts. As we have each committed ourselves to God and to one another, regardless of feelings or outcomes, Love himself fans the flames of love — for Him, each other and others — that can endure.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/chris.reed.az Chris Reed

    Great post. I blogged along a similar train of thought. http://closethegaps.blogspot.com/
    Thanks for the reminder that we all must work on our marriages, auto-pilot never works.

  • http://twitter.com/ChristianRay Christian Ray Flores

    I am with you Mike. What a waste of God given resources! Breaks my heart. May we never take the gift of marriage for granted. 

  • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

    Michael,
    My thoughts on building character instead of creating rules:

    http://thelambspower.blogspot.com/2011/05/building-character.html

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Thanks, Steve. Good post. I certainly agree that character must be primary.

      However, by pitting character against rules, I think you create a false dichotomy—one that is not found in the Bible.

      Even Jesus said, “He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him” (John 14:21).

      The Apostle John echoed the same principle when he said, “Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us (1 John 3:23-24).

      Certainly, you don’t think they discounted the importance of character do you?

      The problem comes in when rules become an end in themselves. This leads to “religion”—in the worst sense of the world.

      • Dbrennanj

        Fascinating response from Steve and then Michael. I would suggest this is one of the paths the conversation takes when only 2 stories ( romantic & danger) are present in community. Part of Steve’s response I suggest, is due to a heavy emphasis upon negative rules towards our feme neighbors and sisters with third story of love present. Where is the third story? This does set oneself for objectifying our female neighbor and sister.

        • Dbrennanj

          Sorry for the typos. I unintentionally hit send. Yes, on this conversation there is going to be a deep conversation between law and love–just like other areas. But I would respectfully say Michael, that with no rooted, grounded third story of love for our female neighbors (love our neighbors as ourselves is not sex-segregated) and our sisters, we form–we model–we lead those men we influence into immediate objectification of anyone we’re not on a romantic path with.

          • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

            Your working hard to shoehorn everyone’s comments, including mine, into your paradigm. However, I think it is much more nuanced than that.

          • Dbrennanj

            Perhaps, Michael. But as far as I know, ( correct me if I am wrong) you’ve given no nuanced path for men and women leaders to trust each other to be alone as friends or leaders.

      • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

        Maybe I didn’t phrase this as well as I thought…

        What informs your rules? Michael’s rules are a variation of what Billy Graham used to practice. It’s easy to adopt what may be very popular rules.However,those rules may not deal with the specific issues that we may face on a daily basis. Character is an important factor in this process. What really needs to be discussed is how you develop your boundaries and guidelines.

        • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

          The rules can be different for each person (as evidenced by the comments to
          the post). Each person sets their own boundaries when it comes to
          interacting with the opposite sex when married. If there are some rules
          that work well for a majority of people (because a lot of people struggle
          with the same temptations), then so be it. Popularity doesn’t necessary
          mean that the boundaries are bad examples. In fact, the popularity of those
          boundaries may be BECAUSE they work for a wide variety of people.

          How do you set your rules? If you know yourself, and your own
          susceptibilities (and the susceptibilities of your spouse), you set
          boundaries that will minimize temptations for you and for your spouse. If
          you know that you might struggle with a woman alone in a room together, then
          you might set a boundary based upon that.

          • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

            Boundaries can also vary by relationship. There may be some women that I am more aware of possible issues than others. One size fits all rules is not always the best. That’s why we need to understand the basis on which we create our rules.

          • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

            Agreed. There are some relationships that are safer than others.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Connie-Walsh-Brown/1224074283 Connie Walsh Brown

      Although faith and works, internals and externals do work in tandem in a
      Spirit-controlled heart, I believe there may be legitimate times when
      godly pure love (internals) breaks a boundary guideline (externals) set
      up with good intentions. Jesus regularly let the Spirit guide him across
      boundaries and conventions others found wise or spiritual for their
      time. I write this in the context of Titus 1:15, I Peter 1:22, and I
      Cor. 8.

  • http://www.adonislenzy.com Adonis Lenzy

    Michael,
    Great Post. I totally agree.  My wife and I established guidelines before we ever said the words, “I do”.  It was important for us to take the time and set expectations and safe guards to ensure a healthy marriage.

  • http://www.fitnessnowstephanie.com Stephanie Hodges

    I agree that speaking well of your spouse (in your mind and to others) is one of the greatest things you can do to protect your marriage. Men and women both need to avoid the trap of complaining about their spouse or making stereotypical jokes about men vs. women and husbands vs wives when hanging out with their friends. I also like the point about sounding boundaries. It’s not old-fashioned, it’s smart.

  • http://sevensentences.com Geoff Talbot

    Really great points Michael… Nothing protect love like love…

  • bethanyplanton

    I ran across this quote while working in Evernote today.  I think it completely applies to the writing of this post. “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
    p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 15.0px 0.0px; line-height: 46.0px; font: 16.0px Times}
    p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 16.0px Times}

    -Martin Luther King

  • Lovell0971

    We go on a date every week. I try to ask questions about my husbands work and schooling and leave the family drama at home. We make time for each other.

  • Annonymous

    I have similar “rules” as a wife and recently declined a friend request from an old boyfriend on Facebook stating that I needed to honor my husband and marriage, etc. However, will you have a follow-up post on picking up the pieces from the effects of an affair?  As an adult, I found out that my father had some moral struggles when I was younger. Even though I was unaware of it in my younger years, the news was still devastating emotionally for me as an adult. It is true when you say, “nothing can destroy influence and legacy faster than an affair.” My ideal of a spiritual legacy was crushed.

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  • http://marlataviano.com Marla Taviano

    Thank you so much for this. It’s super-timely for me as I’m working on a book about sex for husbands (companion to my book for wives, Is That All He Thinks About?). 130 husbands have filled out surveys so far, and porn/sexual purity has come to the forefront of our blog discussion this past week.

    Your actions and boundaries are GREAT. Bless you for using your platform to encourage/convict us to protect our marriages.

    p.s. I’d love permission to quote you in my book.

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      You are welcome to quote me!

      • http://marlataviano.com Marla Taviano

        Just now seeing this. Thanks so much, Michael. I’ve decided to go the e-book route with this one (Harvest House published the women’s version) and would love to send you a free copy. Hoping to release it at the beginning of next month.

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  • Kjreusser

    Michael, my sister who is religious made fun of me when I said years ago that I would not spend time alone w/ someone of the opposite sex– dining in a restaurant, working on a project, doing a church project. Too many sad stories are out there when people began innocently and then found they had forsaken their marital vows.  We may be old-fashioned– so be it. My husband and I have been married 31 years, raised 3 great kids and can’t wait to see each other every night after work. I’ve turned down job opps, hobbies, career, and times with friends b/c I knew they would interfere w/ my marriage. Nothing is worse losing my husband for.

  • http://www.feelbetternow.com.au Liz S

    My husband and I were discussing your post this morning on our morning walk.  We’ve had similar safe guards, especially when he was a minister.  My husband raised the point that he also kept to the safe guards because it kept him safe from false accusations of inappropriate behaviour.  We’ve known a number of innocent fellow ministers who were falsely accused but were told to leave anyhow.  There’s always a lingering suspicion when there’s been an accusation, making it hard to get another job.

    Secondly we need to put off any appearance of evil.  Your actions may be innocent but appear suspicious.  Reputation an integrity are precious commodities.

    Neither of us have friends of the opposite sex. Sure we both know lots of people, and we’re friendly, but I don’t share problems or secrets with men, as this is a form of intimacy reserved for girlfriends or my husband.  

    We don’t discuss our relationship with others.  Sharing a “problem” about your husband with another man is an inappropriate form of intimacy. Sharing it with girlfriends is not likely to be helpful.   If we’ve got a problem, we share it with each other first.  (We didn’t always d this.)  It’s usually solved a lot quicker with less heat.

    The best thing we’ve done recently is to go and have a chat with a counsellor.  We wish we’d done it sooner rather than waiting 25 years.  It helped us grow as a couple and gave us insights.  We thought we were pretty happy before, but now with some growth, we’re happier than we could have imagined.  Who knew there was more. :-)  We take business advice and have business coaching, why wouldn’t we have relationship coaching.

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Liz, I totally agree with you about putting off the appearance of evil.
      This necessary, especially in leadership positions.

  • Sheri

    Beautiful.  Following you now.  I have always had those ‘Rules” you mentioned.  In fact I often repeat them to my children (Teens).  It’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex but once you are married the rules of the game change significantly.  If only everyone would realize that.  

    The real problems come when we stop relying on God and instead rely on ourselves and our spouses for our sense of worth.  Because no one will ever make us feel worthy of anything.  Only our faith can do that.  And the less rely on Him the less we feel worthwhile.  (Okay I KNOW what I am trying to say but I am certainly not speaking clearly!)

  • Melissa – Mel’s World

    Love this!

    Michael, I am so glad you went on record saying this…//adultery is not normal. It certainly isn’t inevitable. It is not
    the way God created us. We were made for monogamy and fidelity. //My husband and I just celebrated our 18th anniversary yesterday…it has not always been easy, but I can honestly say that he is my best friend and biggest champion.
    We also were blessed with incredible mentors, starting with our parents, both sets of our parents are still married, and the leadership of our church when we went into ministry. The thing our church leadership suggested was to have very specific boundaries about our interactions with the opposite sex, which is a lot like your bullet points under number 2. It has proven to be a big blessing for both of us!

    Thank you so much for taking the time to speak the truth in love…I totally appreciate that!

     

     

  • Cory Zurcher

    My wife and I talk about everything when it comes to our relationship and our relationships with others.  My wife knows who I am with and where I am going all the time and I know the same about her. Facebook has added a layer of complexity to our knowledge of one anothers relationships she knows all of my friends and wants to know who wants to “friend” me and I do the same.  We try to build hedges of protection around our marriage each day; I would never go into a friends house if he wasn’t home even if his wife invites me in and says “he will be back in 5 minutes”.  You can never let your guard down you never know when the roaring lion will try to devour you.

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  • Tbraschler

    Love this topic. Claudia and I have been married for 25 years.  I suddenly realized that I was leading our marriage and family, and no one on my family, including my wife, had a clue where I was headed, or the vision held for our marriage.  I had not only never communicated it, I had as well never asked each of my kids and my wife about their insight into God’s vision for them.

    Instead of truly knowing uniquely how to invest my life in my family, I was simply blindly hoping that my decisions were worth following.  That all changed.

    Taking time to ask my wife, “If God had his way with you as a woman, as a wife and mother, what would your life look like?  And how can I give my life to help you become that person?” 

    Same conversation with each of our kids.  WOW!  Propelled our home into the future 10-fold as I began leading based on a well-defined vision for each of us, rather than leading based on my assumptions and interpretations.  Highly recommend it!!

  • Anonymous

    I have a friend who is going through a divorce that was getting text messages from someone about his wive doing improper things.  She claims that it was innocent talking with someone work.  It reminded me the importance of perception.  You can never be to careful about how others interpret the things you do.  Better to be safe than sorry.

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Absolutely. We need to avoid even the APPEARANCE of wrongdoing.

      • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

        Robert,
        The correct translation of the verse is “Avoid evil when it appears” Tell me, you see a man and a woman at a table in a restaurant, it is obvious that they know each other. Unless you know them personally, how do you determine whether they are man and wife, a couple having an affair, business associates, or father and daughter?

        Now tell me why is it your business?

        • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

          When I say, “We,” I mean those who value their reputation. People talk
          about people that they know (gossip), even when it’s NOT their business, so
          those who value their reputation will guard themselves.

    • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

      Wait, some nosey body texts that a woman going through a divorce was doing improper things? Can you say gossip? Can you say “Bearing False Witness?” Was it truly the texter’s business to convey that message? They are getting a divorce, if she speaks with another guy, it is none of her soon to be ex-husband’s business. Get a grip! My wife and I work for the same organization. If anyone approached her (or conversely me) with that type of bogus info, they’d get laughed into next year. You cannot possibly go through life worrying about what someone will think. If you are not doing anything wrong, there’s no perception issue, is there?

      • Anonymous

        Preception is very slippery slope.  I have a friend of mine who was assigned a mentee at work that was a female.  Despite the fact that he held all of their meetings in the open so as to not give the perception that something inappropriate was going on rumors still persisted that he was having an affiar.  So in my opinion if you value your reputation, then you need to guard yourself againts negative perceptions even if they are wrong.  This is one of the reason that I will not be in a group by myself of 2 women or less.  This way I guard perception that I am doing something wrong even if I don’t.  If someone comes to me from a ministry standpoint that is a female, I refer them to once of the female minsiters on staff at church.  The point of Michael’s post was what are we doing to guard our marriage for me protecting my reputation from negative perceptions is a way to gaurd my marriage.

        • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

          Perception is one of the things that we can LEAST control. I find it most interesting that Christians worry so much about what the world thinks of us. Christ seemed to act without worry when it came to what other people thought.

          I believe that the best that we can do is act in an honest, upright manner. I do not worry what other people think as long as I am not sinning.  I cannot be concerned with what other people *may* think.  I can only concern myself with my actions.

          Certainly, your friend was a victim of gossip from people who probably didn’t know him and weren’t aware of what he was doing. At best, they were ignorant, at worst malicious.  It’s unfortunate that problems like this happen, however, if he was acting as he was supposed to act then he is blameless.

          When we act with an eye towards protecting our reputation instead of doing what we know is right and what we know is sinless, we may wind up not doing God’s will. My reputation is in God’s hands anyway.

  • Anonymous

    Being in ministry for more than a decade I can attest to the vital importance of protecting your marriage, your spouse and yourself! I love your practical ideas and was amazed that I use most of the same practices. I especially appreciate the idea of speaking often of your wife. It’s incredible how quickly someone’s tone changes when you bring up your spouse and take admiringly and lovingly about them. It drips a little Jesus into the conversation.

    • Anonymous

      Very good point.

  • http://michaeldundas.com/ Michael Dundas

    Hi Michael,

    This is a topic that while I agree with ‘setting boundaries’, your specific boundaries do not fit everyone.
    I am happily married for 15 years.   Like most marriages we have our ups and downs, but overall it is good and we are happy. 

    That being said, all my life my close friends have been female.  I relate to females better, I understand them better, I enjoy my time with them more.  Not to say I don’t have male friends, I do.  My best friend is a guy, and I have a few guy friends — but I find it easier to relate and hang out with females as a general rule. 

    My wife (Anna) gets that.  It is how I met her, we were friends first and it grew.   Anna knows most if not all of my female and male friends and in some cases is friends with them as well.  There are some that she is not, but that is okay.   When we started dating, I actually had that conversation with her.  My friends are important to me and most are female, always has been this way.  I needed her to understand that and accept it.  She did.  If Anna started having concerns about my female friends I would be devastated.  She trusts me, and that to me is important.  Hanging out with a male or female should be no different in my mind.  If a guy has to avoid females, being alone with them, or whatever because they might be ‘tempted’, then you already have a problem in my books.  If your spouse can not trust you to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, then you already have a problem in your marriage. 

    Where I believe someone should be worried is if their spouses behaviour pattern changes.  For example if you base behaviour is to hang out with girls, and you suddenly start hanging out with guys or a few guys, then you have to wonder why the change.  Same is true with a males.

    At the end of the day, if you trust your spouse you trust your spouse – if you don’t then you don’t. Trust shouldn’t be dependent on who you are with.

    -mike.

     

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      The key thing is not the guidelines per se, but being intentional about protecting your marriage. These are what work for me; your mileage may vary.

      By the way, I have five daughters. When I was CEO of Thomas Nelson, three of my five direct reports were female. So I am very comfortable with women, too.

      • http://michaeldundas.com/ Michael Dundas

        Thank you for clarifying.  I have spent most of my married life, having people that don’t know me constantly ‘questioning’ or giving me a look, or comment if I am with another women that isn’t my wife — basically judging (and incorrectly), so I am admittedly oversensitive to this topic.

        People are often quick to judge in these situations, and without knowing the individuals, the circumstances I think it is wrong to do so. 

        That being said, from my perspective as long as you and your spouse trust each other, and ensure your marriage as your intentional focus, that is what matters. 

        -mike

    • Dan Brennan

      Michael, I was so blessed to read this. Your story is going to be more common as this century rolls along. I couldn’t help but think of the response Gina DalFanzo’s response over on Christianity Today’s blog for evangelical women, Her.menuetics. The very fact that she could say that evangelical women are not going to disappear in the workforce is how much evidence we’ve come in a hundred years (no evangelical woman could have confidently said that back in 1911).  I think we’re going to come up with different language in affirming the necessity of pouring distinctive love and friendship into our marriage while we enter into close friendships with the opposite sex.  The “bunker” mentality is going to evolve into something different. 

  • http://michaeldundas.com/ Michael Dundas

    Depends on your definition of ‘value’.

    If someone that I respect has an issue, I will listen, and if reasonable maybe change my behaviour. If I don’t value them, then I don’t really care what they think, especially if they are being unreasonable.

    -mike

  • Anonymous

    It might sound harsh but no TV in the bedroom. We reserve that space in our home for “other” things. Date nights, and trips alone are huge to making us stay connected.
    We are friends first. We genuinely enjoy being with one another. Keep it spicy, no one wants the same thing every day.

  • http://www.cathrynhasek.com Cathryn Hasek

    I find a lot of stories on the internet about how Facebook is becoming a problem for marriages.  People are seeking out “old flames” and getting themselves into trouble over igniting memories.

    If you are on Facebook, be careful of what you post and what your fingers want to search for.  It’s not worth ruining your life…

    Cathryn

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Amen to that. If people would just invest this same energy into their marriages, they could create something beautiful!

  • Anonymous

    Our office has a policy that we will not meet after hours (or before hours) with clients of the opposite sex unless another staff member is present and can see in the conference room. 

    Not only does it protect the firm, our respective spouses see it as a sign of commitment. Which I fully endorse. 

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      It is wonderful to have the support of your company on this.

  • Brenda Benedict

    Well-stated.  After 41 years of marriage, I agree with each point.  After hearing about John Edward’s behavior, there must be some force that causes people to not connect their beliefs with their behavior.  For some it may be a sense of entitlement, or the lessening of inhibitions due to alcohol, or an departmentalization of their lives whether they don’t feel guilt, but there is something that allows someone to risk all-their legacy- for ‘pleasure’ in the moment.

  • http://waynewrz.wordpress.com/ Wayne W.

    One thing that I have started doing is being intentional about strengthening my marriage. For years I read youth ministry and other books like it was nobody’s business, recently I’ve read through 3 or 4 books on marriage because that is an area that takes work and study as well. 

  • Guest

    I’m sure every couple has their rules and boundaries but this does seem controversial and extreme to me that you will not have lunches with the opposite sex.  Does this include business lunches?   Where’s the equal opportunity?  If you do not have business lunches with men either, then fine. But if so, you are putting women at a disadvantage in business and not giving them the opportunity to network with leaders/bosses/colleagues with the no lunch rule. Women already face the old boys club in business and this seems to keep that going.

    Or is this no lunch rule because there are no skills on how to gracefully handle an unwanted advance? Women have these skills, men should too.  Or is it that men have no control over their own temptations?  I just don’t get the no lunch rule especially in this day in age.

    Business lunches can be just that, business whether you are married, single, male or female. That’s what professionals do.

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I have five daughters. Three are married and accomplished professionals. Three of my five last direct reports were female. I don’t think there has been a lack of opportunity. I think some women use that as an excuse for why their careers don’t advance.

      I would rather err on the side of caution and protect what is valuable rather than be naive and put those I love at risk. But these are my rules. You may have different ones. I am simply encouraging people to be intentional and thoughtful.

  • Deborah J. Thompson

    If we don’t protect our marriages, who will? My husband has given me a beautiful gift almost every day of our 19 years of marriage–he writes me a short note and leaves it on the bathroom mirror. He is often inspired by reading his daily devotion, or by something going on in our lives at the moment. He keeps a pad of post-a-notes in his drawer and composes a short message. If he is traveling, he sends me an email with “Note on the Mirror” as the subject line. They are only a few lines, but he says that it helps him to focus on what is important to him. And it makes me feel loved, valued and appreciated. 

    I wrote about this “Little Thing” on my website if anyone is interested: http://www.inspiredreflections.info/Inspired_Reflections/Reflections_on_Love_and_Relationships/Entries/2009/1/5_Little_Things-Deborah_J._Thompson.htmlThank you, Michael for having the courage of your convictions. Peace be with you,DeborahContributing Writer for Crosswalk.com and “The Fish”http://www.facebook.com/DailyInspiredReflectionshttp://www.twitter.com/InspireReflecthttp://www.inspiredreflections.info

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I love this. You are blessed!

  • Deborah J. Thompson

    Sorry, the spacing seemed to mess up on my post. I’m not sure how to fix it!

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      The spacing looks fine to me. Thanks.

  • Shannan Parker

    YES,
    YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!! And a million more times, YES!!! I am about to
    write a blog about this very thing. I’m tired of Christians telling me
    my standards are “too high.” How about becoming people of integrity?
    It is possible to choose right. – 1 cor. 10:13 In Christ alone I find
    my strength.  THANK YOU for being so bold! ~Shannan Parker

  • Dan Brennan

    Michael, if you are interested, I posted a response on my blog: http://danbrennan.typepad.com/my_weblog/2011/06/marriage-vocation-and-discipleship-between-the-sexes.html

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Thanks, Dan. That was a very thoughtful piece. I think you and I probably agree on much more than we disagree. I especially affirm what you had to say about the purpose of marriage and how that has become distorted. I also appreciate your respectful tone and willingness to dialog. Warm regards.

      • Dan Brennan

        Thanks Michael. Blessings, bro.

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      By the way, I just twittered the link to your post. I would have referenced you, but I couldn’t find you on Twitter. Thanks.

  • http://www.facebook.com/OfficialGregoryBlake Gregory Blake

    Michael,

    I
    like your affair-proofing list, but I’d like to reframe it if you will allow me.

    At
    its core, I believe affair-proofing a marriage has less to do with specific actions,
    boundaries and rules and more to do with how each spouse makes the other “feel.”

    If you look at
    your list, it is obvious that your actions & rules are designed to make
    Gail (and you) feel secure, loved, valued, empowered, and special within your
    relationship. You are meeting each other’s needs for secure attachment in a way
    that works for both of you.

    That said, I believe there are problems with rules
    based affair-proofing, not the least of which is the tendency for some to use rules
    to control their spouse, ironically creating
    the environment for an affair.

    Let me give you an example from my life. If my
    wife insisted that I “not go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex”
    it would be soul crushing for me. You see, almost all of my best friends are,
    and have always been, women. Whether it’s a meeting for coffee or a trip to a
    chick flick, I frequently spend time with my girl-type friends. She knew that
    about me when we got married and honors that quirk in my life. In so doing, she
    makes me feel special, trusted and
    loved. And in making sure she knows that she is the MOST important woman in my
    life… the one I selected from among all my available female friends to be the one… she also feels special. She
    always gets my firsts and bests.

    Similarly, if you never travelled alone with
    a member of the opposite sex, but you insisted on going on a business trip at a
    time when Gail needed you, you would be planting the seeds for a divorce by making
    her feel less important than your company. (Obviously, this is hypothetical. I
    know you wouldn’t do that!) The rule is less important than the intent.

    I’ve always said
    that affairs don’t happen because the other person is richer, more powerful or
    more beautiful. I believe that affairs happen because of how the “other” person
    makes them feel. As such, I go out of my way to make sure my lovely wife feels
    secure, important and loved at home. It’s worked for 28 years so far. 

    Sincerely,

    Gregory Blake

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      Thanks, Gregory. If rules become the defining characteristic of a relationship, that relationship will be in trouble. It’s kind of like rules in sports: they let you know when you are out of bounds, but they aren’t the purpose of the game. We almost never talk about these “guidelines” (my preferred word), because what is most important is the quality of our love, laughter, and connection.

      I think the main thing is for couples to be intentional and do what works for them in protecting their marriage. Thanks for your comment.

  • Frankzapra

    Wrong. Human males are definitely NOT hardwired for fidelity. That’s merely wishful thinking with a side of naivety. 

    • Dan Brennan

      If I understand you correctly, you are saying sexual desire within men cannot be reigned in, channeled, for good, deep, beautiful, committed relationships because they are not hardwired for such. I wonder though, how this plays out in close relationships between father-daughter, brother-sister. The fact that sex within family relationships is possible is addressed in the Old Testament. So, I am wondering, if good family relationships are able to nurture good, close, deep relationships between siblings or father-daughter (obviously these are complex relationships and some are not close) that grows into adult relationships, then this is a beautiful thing and models for non-romantic nearness. 

    • Jay

      Frankzapra, I could not disagree with you more! I am a redeemed adulterer. I made the same kind of statements in your comment while I was living in the pit of separation from God. My sin (and the root of your statement) is a direct result of the Fall. It is a lie from the pit of Hell. I was imprisoned in that morasse for years, and only the purifying blood of Jesus can deliver us from it.

    • http://www.lambpower.net Steve D

      Are you saying that we are hardwired to commit adultery? If so, why isn’t adultery the norm?

      • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

        I have to disagree here, too. If God hardwired us for adultery, then He is the Author of sin. But this is not how God made man originally. Adultery and every other sin is a result of the fall and can be redeemed in Christ. Every sin is a distortion of God’s original design. Thanks.

        • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

          Michael, I agree. While we are not hardwired for adultery/sin, we are
          INCLINED toward sin in our sinful nature (which is the result of the fall).

  • Anonymous

    Killer post. We need more direct challenges like this in our lives. My wife and make sure we are in check by speaking each other’s love language, being honest about everything and laughing a lot.

  • elb tag

    when it’s your one and only.

  • May Van De Wark

    This is excellent advice, not only for Christians, but for anyone who wants their marriage to last.  My husband and I will reach 50 years  together in September, and it has not been easy nor smooth sailing, but with God’s help, we have (almost) made it!!  I guarantee that this is the best way.  Second marriages after divorce have many pitfalls, and tear kids apart inside.  Praying for all those out there who need to hear this!
    Mrs. May Van De Wark

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Congratulations on 50 years! I’m hoping (and planning) that my wife and I
      can make it that far.

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