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What I Learned About Leadership from a Fight with My WIfe

Gail and I have been married for thirty-three years. She is my lover, my best friend, and my coach. But a few days ago we had a fight. It was a doozy.

A Husband and Wife Reconciling After a Fight - Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/mediaphotos, Image #11553872

It’s not important what it was about. It was one of those issues we have stumbled over previously. But I will admit that it was my fault. I ambushed her and let it escalate beyond what the circumstances warranted.

Thankfully, it ended well. Primarily, because Gail was patient, refusing to react to my rant. This was enough to end what Emerson Eggerichs calls, “the crazy cycle.” (If you haven’t read his book, Love and Respect, you must do so. It’s the most practical book on marriage I’ve read.)

Weary—and feeling a little foolish—we asked one another’s forgiveness and restored the relationship.

As I was reflecting on that experience today, I thought to myself, How can we avoid slipping into this same conflict in the future. I wrote down five lessons I want to remember for the future.

  1. Clarify our expectations up front. Most conflicts are born out of a misalignment of expectations. In this particular argument, I had a set of unexpressed expectations that Gail failed to meet. If we had discussed them before the day began, we would have likely avoided the problem altogether. But, she didn’t know, because I hadn’t bothered to articulate them.
  2. Assume the best about each other. This is especially difficult in the heat of the moment. It is easy to impute motives. But, realistically, your spouse does not get up in the morning intending to make your life miserable. You have to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he or she is well-intentioned.
  3. Affirm the priority of the relationship. The most important asset you have as a couple is the health of your relationship. You don’t want to win the battle but lose the war. Near the end of our argument, I finally came to my senses. I said, “Honestly, I don’t know who is right or who is wrong. What I know for sure is that I love you and that trumps everything.” She quickly agreed.
  4. De-personalize the problem. When you square off against one another and make it personal, it gets ugly. If you are not careful, you end up cornering your spouse and leaving them no other option than to react or retaliate. Instead, you have to move to their side of the table, and work on the problem together.
  5. Listen more than you talk. When you get angry, it is easy to rant—to give expression to your emotion. This is almost never a good idea. Instead, if you want to be understood, you must seek to understand. (Thank you, Dr. Covey.) This means trying to see the other person’s point-of-view. Ask a question, and then ask a follow-up question.

What does this have to do with leadership? Everything. If you can’t lead yourself, you can’t lead others. And if you can’t learn to manage conflict with those closest to you, how can you manage it with those who have less of a stake in the outcome?

Question: What have you learned from conflict in your own marriage? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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Posted on August 18, 2011

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  • http://twitter.com/fwoodbridge Fred Woodbridge

    I especially like #2, which is something most people will forget in the heat of the ‘battle.’

    The problem really lies at the root of our different natures as men and women—we simply think, relate, feel, act, process information differently. This is the groundbreaking clue in Paul’s ‘love and respect’ verse.

    It takes a tremendous amount of work, as man and wife are simply speaking completely different languages! As with arguing in English with a German speaker, approach with due caution.

    I think the key lies with (first) #2, assuming the best then quickly seguing to #5. Alas, de-personalization, while a laudable attempt, is 90% unworkable. It’s always personal hence the need for this article.

    I believe a good approach is to remember, as a man, that you are largely more logical than your wife. This is not to say that wives aren’t logical, just that they approach issues more emotionally than men. These are generalizations, I understand, but that doesn’t make it wrong. That said, it is counter-productive to approach an ‘argument’ (more really, a fight) as a purely logical endeavor; more than anything, this is what we men forget, regardless of the clues our wives constantly put out. For the missus, it is almost all emotional and so that is the plain on which the fight will take place.

    As a husband listening to understand first helps defuse the emotion because the listener is absorbing the emotional energy pouring out of the speaker which leads to a change in the battlefield, from a roiling landscape to a more stable platform when logic can be given a chance to rear its head.

    The key is to remember to change her mood, not her mind. Mood, then mind. Love is an emotion and that, as Eggerichs and Paul have said, is what women want. Respect is a processed (read: logical) property, the domain of men. Engage the emotions, engage the mood then perhaps, once she *feels* understood, engage the mind.

  • Ivanhoe Sanchez

    I got to have a conversation… I will definitely have this 5 points in mind.   Thanks a million.

  • http://soulstops.com Soulstops

    Thanks for the great tips and we have used every one of them in our twenty years of marriage.  One other tip:  it is okay to step away for a moment, or longer, if both or one of you is so upset that one or both of you cannot continue to be constructive in resolving your conflict.   Before a conflict arises, or before stepping away,  both parties agree that once one or the two of you have calmed down then you will both meet again to resolve the conflict.  This has helped us both.

    Thanks for sharing!

  • elise

    Really good, Michael. Thanks for your clarity and honesty. I have learned that forgiveness has to generously given and received. I’ve also been reminded recently of the gift of mercy I’ve received endlessly from God is a gift that I have to offer to my spouse of 26 years time and time again. Oh and also that love is a decision, not always a feeling.

  • Tiffany

    I learned to drop the pride and haughtiness and put my husband’s need above my own and everytime I do that he ends up hearing what I am saying and where I am coming from…humility is key for both of us….thanks for sharing

  • DGT

    My husband and I was just having a conversation about this very thing last night.  And today I’m carrying with  me the book Love & Respect to read for myself.  My husband already read it.  Thank you so much for the helpful points.  Well note and taken!

  • http://www.joeyo.org Joey O’Connor

    Expectations! Ha…that is so true! My wife and I are both pretty thin-skinned (she’s prettier though) and we don’t fight a whole lot…BUT on two trips this summer, we had two really good fights.

    As we drove past Devil’s Tower in Wyoming (no joke!), my miscommunicated expectations got the best of me! My wife swore she saw horns and fangs on my face…the devil didn’t make me do it, but boy, did I give him a good boost up!

    Another good word Mike…solid marriage advice to live by.

  • Roweroo

    Agreeing on all points and chiming in:
    1. Go so far as to not burden your spouse with expectations when possible. We will never meet them all anyway.
    2. Always assuming the best from them doesn’t reflexively mean my motives are so great. I have to show the guts to self-examine–it’s at once disarming and relieving. It immediately puts my spouse in a more golden light, for example, when I acknowledge to myself that I just then wanted to poke him in the eye with a stick while he was just wanted us to get caught up on the tax paperwork.
    3. When things get really crazy, say out loud, ”We both really do want good things and a good marriage and we will work this out.” It will make your locomotion “derail”.
    Regardless of finer points, you’ll know you’ve “arrived” in leadership when you can stop the craziness in the moment and re-direct the conflict to a point of love and resolution. Talk about earning some respect!

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  • Brian

    Hi Michael:  Loved this one, great example of turning our difficult times into learning opportunities…I tied into it with my blog: http://whatdoyouexpect.wordpress.com/.  I have written on expectations in my book “What do you expect? The question you need to ask!”  Life has taught me not to take expectations as an afterthought.  Makes all aspects of life so much better.  So thanks for focusing on this today!

  • http://prophetsandpopstars.com Chris Harrison

    Definitely sounds like it could have been in my house. As I pastor a community here in Glendale, CA, I am constantly confronted with husbands and wives in the middle of the “crazy cycle” — shame you can’t call people crazy…

    Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to systematize the resolution cycle. I’ll be passing this post out – a – plenty! 

    Really appreciate your work here. I read often without commenting. I’ll work on changing that. 

    Peace!

  • http://twitter.com/gljones01 Greg Jones

    I think the thing that is hardest to remember in the heat of the moment is that the other person is not the enemy. The real Enemy would like your marriage to disintegrate. 

    My wife is really good at taking a breath and backing away from the situation for clarity. I am more for getting the issue resolved quickly. This caused friction and a huge “crazy cycle” when we first got married. I saw her as not caring and she saw me as trying to control things. As time went on, and much discussion we came to the conclusion that we needed to do the following things:

    1. Invest more in understanding each other. We did this through books such as “Love & Respect” (huge fan of that book). 
    2. Taking breaks from each other when we see that we are on a crazy cycle. Getting out temporarily is a great tool. Either go work out or get together with a friend and get your mind off the situation. Very, very rarely will the situation be as big later on, as it seems to be in the heat of the moment.
    3. Go do something random and fun together. Sometimes we would go play ping-pong during the midst of a blow-up. 
    4. Trying to do what Michael said: see that person’s motives as pure and they mean well. 

    These are a few things that were top of mine. Great post and great discussion. Glad to know I am not the only one who struggles in this area! :)

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Greg, this is good advice… to invest in understanding each other.

      Two things that I resolved before I got married: (1) I would not hold past mistakes/mis-steps against my wife (not keeping a record of wrongs); and (2) when we did argue/fight, I would never resort to personal attacks. Someone gave me the advice before I got married to always fight fair… have an attitude of humility and understanding toward your wife, and your arguments will go much better.

  • http://www.CFinancialFreedom.com Dr. Jason Cabler

    I’ve learned from conflict in my own marriage that most of the time its just not worth it.  When you do your best to eliminate the emotions from the problem and work at it constructively instead of destructively, things go much better.

    Personal attacks, yelling, just don’t work and don’t make you (and especially your mate)  feel any better.

    “Love and Respect” is absolutely the BEST marriage book out there and I credit it, along with a great counselor, for saving our marriage a few years ago.  You should read it even if your marriage is not in trouble, you’ll learn much.

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Yes, I’ve found that trying (as much as possible) to take the emotion our of the argument can help you get to the root of the problem much more quickly.

      • http://www.CFinancialFreedom.com Dr. Jason Cabler

        I’ve found with both the wife and the kids that if I stay calm and in control even when one of them is yelling at me, they eventually chill out somewhat and the situation gets resolved much quicker.

  • Jasmine P Grimm

    Michael, have you ever tried the “no repouts” rule. My father-in-law taught me it. Whenever you’re arguing and you crack and smile or laugh, the other person calls out “No repouts” and usually both parties start giggling. My husband and I use it and it works pretty well. 

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I love that! I’m going to start using it.

  • http://www.inspirationtochange.org Karen Zeigler

    So glad you got off your wife’s air hose – you big clumsy elephant! Lol!  In leadership there are more than one air hose that can be stepped on so I’m sure the correlation can keep you blogging for several more posts.  Great stuff, great book recommendation! Keep it coming!

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I love the air hose metaphor. I first heard it from Gary Smalley.

  • http://www.livesimplylove.com Merritt | LiveSimplyLove

    One of the best bits of advice I got as a newlywed was exactly what you said in #2 – “Remember that he doesn’t get up in the morning intending to make you mad.” As I’ve used that reminder in the midst of conflict it’s helped me come to his side of the table and absolutely changed the course of our conversation (I’m not intending it to insinuate that has anything to do with my wonderful handling of conflict. He’s usually the one to exhibit the greatest sense of patience and reason. But changing my perspective has helped me cool down a lot). Thanks for sharing this. 

  • http://www.livesimplylove.com Merritt | LiveSimplyLove

    Another great piece of advice I heard from a marriage communications class… Start using the phrase “You might be right about that.” in a disagreement and see what happens.

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      Yes, “You might be right about that” is a good tool to use.

      Also, I’ve found that this works well in communication… “What I hear you saying is…” Because communication is both about what you’re saying, and how the person is hearing what you’re saying. Sometimes, what I hear my wife saying is not what she’s trying to communicate to me.

  • http://www.solidsyntaxprogrammer.com Jerod Houghtelling

    Thank you for your insight. I appreciated learning from your experience. On an unrelated note,  I thought the picture looked familiar, which I found out is almost the same picture you used on  http://michaelhyatt.com/ten-difficult-but-really-important-words.html 

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I’m trying save on my photo costs. :-)

  • http://www.awomansview.typepad.com Lenore Buth

    Great post, Michael. You identified the causes of conflict in every conflict.

    My husband and I have been married way longer than you and Gail. We’ve learned no matter how long you’ve been married, you’re always in new territory. How could it be otherwise? Each of us is always changing and life situations keep changing. Giving each other room to grow, a love gift if there ever was one, still can feel unsettling and sometimes causes conflict, even now. But it doesn’t last.

    We love our Lord and we love each other. That never changes. So we start–and end–every day on solid ground.

    Your advice to look for the good reminds me of Luther’s phrase in his old catechism, “Put the best construction on everything.”

  • http://sarahjoyliteraryagent.wordpress.com/ Sarah Joy

    Thanks so much for sharing this. I was married a little over a month ago, and my husband and I are definitely learning that communicating while engaged is a bit different than communicating while married. My mother-in-law gave us these kneeling pillows so that whenn either of us are able to work through an argument, we both get down on the kneeling pillows and pray. Plus, we have verses picked out to read to each other (no, his is not “Wives submit to your husbands” :)) to remind each other about who we are in Christ.

    Sarah Joy, an associate agent-in-training

  • Lea Sims

    I’ve learned from a failed marriage and now a thriving one that going toe to toe with your spouse sometimes is healthy. Avoiding a fight can do as much damage to your relationship as carrying a fight too far. I’ve learned that my passion for an issue should never override my passion for my husband. I’ve learned that women and men don’t think the same, process the same, or place the same weight or value on things, and being blind to that fact in a square-off with your spouse will mean YEARS of frustration and debilitating relational disconnect. And I’ve learned that the interpreter in any dialogue you have with your spouse needs to be the Holy Spirit.

  • http://www.irunurun.com Travis Dommert

    Very humble, Michael.  And consistent with every lesson I’ve ever heard about marriage…start by looking in the mirror!  

    Reminds me of a great quote last weekend from Chip Ingram’s series “Marriage: Built to Last”.   He said “Love is giving the other person what they need most when they least deserve it, at great personal sacrifice.”

    That kinda raised the bar…!

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      That is a beautiful quote from Chip Ingram. Thanks for sharing it!

  • http://twitter.com/CoachTheresaIF Theresa Ip Froehlich

    This is a wonderful guidebook for fighting a good fight. The important question is not whether or not we fight, but how we fight.

    “In this particular argument, I had a set of unexpressed expectations that Gail failed to meet.” This is a good one. How often we quietly assume that the other person can read our minds!

     I have learned the truth of assuming the best about the other person. When I do this, I am more ready to listen well, and we’re more able to arrive at sensible agreements.

    Thank you, Michael, for sharing personally.

  • Emerson Eggerichs

    Sarah and I still get on the Crazy Cycle too, even after 38 years!  It’s nice to know we’re in good company.  We were so blessed by your wisdom and practical leadership application that we shared your post with our entire staff today.  Thank you for your insight and encouragement, Michael!

    Emerson Eggerichs

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      I am so honored that you dropped by Emerson! You and Sarah are such good role models in this. I am so grateful you wrote the book. I have shared it with so many, including those in my mentoring group.
      Warm regards.

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  • Moye1908

    This was a mouthful… My husband and I have been asked to head the Marriage Ministry at my church, and I was just thinking what books we should share with the married couples in our marriage group… I like point #5 I would often say that my husband does a lot of talking but never listens, but the truth is I believe I’m the worst listener when it comes to an issue we are trying to resolve….Thanks for sharing… 

    • http://idoneousurl.tumblr.com/ VerecundAmaranth

      Life’s nuisances, conflict in general, and such, often reminds me of so many poignant stories which put it all in perspective long before circumstances would otherwise cloud one’s perspective long enough to permit an escalation of an issue in the heat of the moment. Case in point relating to conflict, among many examples, involves a Christian talk show host’s poignant remark. Was many years ago, details I forgot, but the message burned itself into my memory on a profound level no circumstance can obscure in the heat of any moment. Went like this:

      One morning, they woke up. Some got into a fight with their spouse, perhaps over a silly matter or even important. Some criticized their kids for “again wearing that” or “still eating this”. Then drove to work. Perhaps on the way, or even perhaps while already sitting in their office, came up with a clever retort to vindicate their position, to unequivocally vanquish their beloved “adversary”. Then of course the planes hit the Twin Towers, many never returned home to finish that argument, or to have it finished by their spouse.

      Still haunts me to this day, yet, one of many poignant stories and events which perpetually help me maintain my focus in many situations regardless.

  • Mommakisses

    When we did our premarital counseling 13 years ago, we were given this advice: when you fight, hold hands. Why? Because it’s very hard to be mad at someone when you are touching them. I don’t know why that is, but I can tell you when my husband takes my hand it’s like a release valve for steam, and allows us to think a little more clear headed and actually talk about issues rather than attacking each other.

    • http://brevis.me Robert Ewoldt

      That is very good advice. I don’t remember where I saw it, but I saw a video of a group of strangers who were asked to sit in a very tight circle (with their knees almost touching), and the result was that they left feeling much more connected to each other (it really didn’t matter what they were talking about). I think it’s a great idea to use this same concept when you’re fighting (or even talking) with your spouse.

      Oh, I remember what it was… it was a Stanford Entreprenurial Thought Leader podcast (excellent podcast, BTW).

  • http://beckfarfromhome.blogspot.com/ Beck Gambill

    Love and Respect is a great book, maybe I should re-read it… Great advice on how to handle conflict in marriage! I appreciate your willingness to share from your personal experience. I also appreciate that you realize a true leader leads well at home as well as at work, they can’t be separated out. Thanks for sharing, I really needed to hear that.

  • http://twitter.com/jamespinnick7 James Pinnick

    Michael, I love your point on…”Affirm the priority of the relationship”.
    I would still love my wife even if she has the nastiest thing to say to me that day. It’s the reason why I married her in the first place.

    I try to stay patient and realize there are better days ahead….

    James Pinnick
    http://www.jamespinnick.com/
    Author of The Last Seven Pages

  • Lea Sims

    After a failed marriage and now a thriving one, I have learned that going toe to toe with your spouse every once in awhile is healthy and purgative. Avoiding a fight is almost as bad as carrying one too far. I’ve learned that my passion for my point of view should never eclipse my passion for my husband. I’ve learned that men and women think differently, process differently, and don’t place the same weight and value on the same things. If you refuse to acknowledge the fundamental truth that God made us that way ON PURPOSE, you’ll spend years in frustrated disconnect with your spouse. And I’ve learned that God connects our two different gender approaches by sending us a mediator – the Holy Spirit.

  • http://www.thegiftofmondays.com/ colleen laquay urbaniuk

    love this post…especially the part where you say you have to move around to their side of the table. genius! and something i hope “sticks” with me. though i won’t always remember all the steps of a plan, usually something jumps out at me that really hits home. (sometimes it’s the small concept that seems to help me most of all.) thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

  • Anonymous

    I read The 5 Love Languages (by Gary Chapman) and immediately saw the benefit of applying the principles to work relationships as well as in my marriage. 

    Ironically, last week I had a blow up with an influential executive because apparently I needed to read today’s post last week. Ha! Now I’m working out a strategy to make amends. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736545227 Karla Reisch Akins

    I just realized while reading this that I make my husband a stronger
    leader by arguing with him. LOL. No, really, I tend to be passive a lot
    of the time just to keep peace. I am working on not being so
    codependent. I do him a disservice by not letting him exercise those
    leadership skills in areas I disagree. Ignoring issues doesn’t fix
    things and doesn’t help him grow. I gotta remember this.  And you’re
    soooo right on the expectation thing. I think most of any couple’s
    issues stem from that alone.

  • mdmaurer

    Great post that I’ll be sharing with my husband. We both need to read this. ;)

  • Cherie

    I am learning to trust God even more. To trust God! that He is continuing to work His good work in both of us, that again nothing is impossible for us – that I must not lose heart, but continue to believe that God is healing, restoring and leading us in His perfect love.  God is well able. I need only look to Him and trust Him, that He is answering my prayers.  And while I am believing, I forgive, I do good, as best I can, by being good to my husband. When the fighting words are said, I’ve learned to step back, not react as I desire to, and not be offended either.  I must regroup, remember that God is working, and continue to believe.  That’s what I’m learning from conflict these days.  God is working His good work and what I need do is draw nearer to Him.

  • Terry

    Excellent advise – but as we all know, difficult to implement at the moment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1360995871 Anna Grassini

    Great wisdom for all of us.  As usual, the important thing about marriages is to keep working at it…the minute we quit, it’s the minute the relationship fails.

  • Anonymous

    Very bold and transparent of you to share this.  

    Related to point #2, I remember an Andy Stanley message in which he discusses “believing the best” (I Corinthians 13:7).  Great stuff.  Wish I could remember the exact title.

  • http://www.danieldecker.net Daniel Decker

    Great points. One of the greatest lessons I have learned is to STOP TRYING TO BE RIGHT all the time. The better I become at living that out and not having to prove something, the less friction I create that leads to unnecessary arguments. 

    • http://michaelhyatt.com Michael Hyatt

      This is great advice, Daniel. I was afflicted with the same disease early in my career.

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  • Bridget

    My husband and I have been married for 23 years and one thing I have learned is to admit when I am wrong a little sooner.  At some point in any argument we can find things we overreact to and I have found that by saying I am sorry as soon as I realize that I am wrong rather than holding on to anger just to be right makes a big difference.  Pride is a difficult thing to swallow, but something you have to learn to do if you want to preserve your relationship with the most important person in your life – the one partner God chose for you to get you through the tough times! Thanks for sharing your thoughts Michael and thanks to Gayle for allowing us to learn from both of you!  She sounds like an amazing woman!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500402795 Joanna Henzel

    Question though: It’s easier to assume the best things about your spouse, but what about the person who you don’t actually think has any vested interest or best interests of everyone in mind (and has numerously tried to undermine you)? What then?

  • http://www.tnealtarver.wordpress.com TNeal

    “…you have to move their side of the table…” Usually I want to stand my ground and press the issue, but I like the imagery you use here. I’ve learned conflict leads to a breakthrough moment and a deeper understanding of one another. It’s like a thunderstorm on dry land, scary at first but necessary for growth.

  • http://twitter.com/dan_steer Dan Steer

    Thinking about point 1, I add that I try to focus on what TYPE of conflict I am having with my wife. Is it about “Facts”, “Goals”, “Approach” or “Values”?

    Sometimes I think its about “Approach” (eg: “What shall we do with our evening?”) only to realise that we have different “Goals” that stop us from seeing why the “Approach” is not suitable (eg “What do I want out of my non-children-time-off?”).

    And much of the time, we are in fact arguing about “Values”, the toughest nut to crack. What IS good? What do we LIKE? As a general rule, the bigger the conflict symptoms, the bigger the chance I’ve stepped onto (or over!) a value-line.

  • http://twitter.com/dan_steer Dan Steer

    ..and since I didn’t mention “Facts” I will note only that it was NOT me that left the toilet seat up !

  • http://www.inteliwise.com VirtualAgents

    This is a great lesson.  Nothing helps like hope especially when we are discouraged or being hurt in relationship. Learn from conflicts is the best way to manage yourself. 

  • http://uma-maheswaran.blogspot.com/ Uma Maheswaran S

    Great piece of advice to people who are single and getting ready to be married. Misunderstanding can happen anywhere, but it takes intentional,ent  conscious and consisteffort on our end to maintain cordial relationship with our life  partners.

  • http://www.facebook.com/MelissaMashburnMelsWorld Melissa Scarbrough Mashburn

    Wow! So much great stuff packed into this post…in your 33 years of marriage you and Gail have learned lots of great stuff and it’s such a sweet gift when you share those little nuggets with us too. Marriage is not easy, that’s for sure, but with Christ at the center and two people willing to do the work it is absolutely a beautiful thing.

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  • http://www.jeffrandleman.com Jeff Randleman

    Ha!  I wish I could learn such specific leadership principles from a fight with my wife.  All I usually get from those is what not to do next time…

    Really great stuff in this post.  Heather and I have been working to make sure our marriage is as solid as we can make it, and these principles are gold.  there wasn’t really anything new here for me, but it was great to have succinct, concise reminders of timeless principles!  Thanks!

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