It happens to me several times a week. I want to quit. Just yesterday, I wanted to quit my run halfway into it. After the first mile, my lazy self asked, “Why can’t we just walk?” For a while, the voice got louder with each step.
But if it’s not running, it is something else: my marriage, my job, my writing, my blog, or even God. This is just the nature of life. The temptation to quit is a recurring theme.
And if the voices in our heads were not enough trouble, the voices in our culture also urge us to “throw in the towel,” “make a change,” or “take it easy on yourself.”
What these same voices fail to tell you is that there is a distinction between the dream and the work required to obtain it. Everything important requires work. Hard work. And sometimes there is a long arc between the dream and it’s realization. That is where the work and the transformation occur.
In my experience, the thing that keeps me going is answering this question, “Why am I doing this?” I then try to remember the dream. “Why I am doing this hard thing that I am doing.” I try to get connected to the original vision, because that keeps me going when the going gets tough.
For example, when Gail and I have a fight—yes, we do have fights—I ask, “So why should I stay in this marriage?” Instead of pushing that question down like holding a beach ball under the water, I let it surface and embrace it. “What is at stake?”
But notice: I’m not asking “Why should I quit?” because I will get answers to that question too. The mind is tricky that way. It will attempt to answer whatever question you ask it, so you must be very careful with how you frame the question. Instead, I focus on the positive. I am looking for reasons to keep going.
So, why should I stay in this marriage?
- Because I want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. There is no better better place to learn how to love than marriage.
- Because I want to be a leader, leading myself first and then my own family. Whatever else this means, it means initiative and sacrifice. That’s what leaders do.
- Because I really do love this woman with all my heart. All I have to think about is all the incredible moments we have shared together through the years.
- Because she is the mother of my five children—and a really, really great mom.
- Because she is my best friend, even though we occasionally get on one another’s last nerve. She is the one person I can count on to be there when I need someone to listen to me.
- Because we have 31 years invested in this relationship. It is less expensive to invest a little more than start over. We are too far into it to quit. (I would say this if we had been married for 6 months.)
- Because I really do know her. I have spent a lifetime learning. And yet there is still so much more I want to know. She fascinates me.
- Because I want to provide an example to my sons-in-law—and anyone else who is watching—of how to love a woman well. People need positive role models, and I want to be that person.
- Because I want to leave a legacy of love and stability for my children and my grandchildren. The alternative is unthinkable.
- Because I want my marriage to be an icon of Christ’s love for His Bride, the Church. After all, this is the sacramental nature of marriage (see Ephesians 5:22–33).
I have a written list like this for every important area in my life. If I get stuck and want to quit, I pull out the list and start reading through it. Immediately, it gives me perspective and energizes me. It makes it possible to silence the voices and get my head back into the race.
The truth is that we learn the best lessons when we don’t quit. This is when our character is transformed and good things happen.
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I, like you, have contemplated quitting many aspects of many things many times. But when I think it through, sometimes I come to the conclusion – and then what? To whom or what shall I go? Enduring is the Bread of Life. And, when I stick it out, I always reap a harvest: character, quality, wisdom, experience, sometimes even concrete and material rewards.
But enduring, not quitting, really is a reward in itself.
'What God has joined let no man take apart' We think that some one else takes our marriages apart, but that 'man' is ourselves. What God starts He plans to finish… we just have to meet the challenges when they come. But He does say that He tempts no man. The challenge may be greater than we can tackle but we are not mean't to be able to tackle it in our own strength… The challenge will always be greater and that is the very thing that throws us onto to Him… the origin and source of Love which believes, hopes and accepts…. always.
God has put the most incredible people in my life in the past 10 months. It started with seeing the Mercyme guys here in Amarillo. Bart telling us we were streaming live on the internet. The next night I signed onto said stream. I learned about twitter (from Brody). I had never in my 51 years been in a chat room before that night. I have been so blessed with friends literally around the world. Brody said today that "it's in the pudding" when blogging brings bunches of peeps together because we are hungry for change. I look for someone who makes it a challenge, but makes it so simple that even I can follow! I don't need all the mumbo jumbo preaching. I want real people who live it. You are just a guy who says it plain & simple, but eloquent. I for one thank-you. :)
Hi Michael,
These are hard times for most of us, with the economic turndown many of us are stressing…silently wondering when things will turn-around.
Thank you for the post; it reminds me I’m not the only one who’s going through this. We must keep encouraging each other; and find comfort in our fellowship.
As for blessings, I’ve certainly had enough to out weigh the difficult times and I haven’t made a list per say, because I thank God daily for the course he’s guided me on so far.
Still, when discouragement pops up and my mind gets so foggy I can’t clear it of all the negative vibes…I go to the folder on my desk top and read the following, and pray.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5, 6
May God bless all of us today!
I've been thinking a lot about committment and marriage, in particular. We just learned that our son's godparents, good friends but who far away, have separated. They have been married about 25 years and it has always seemed to be so solid. I can't know what really has and is going on in their marriage, but the situation has led me to reflect on my own 16 year marriage. Your post is a beautiful articulation of what one loses when one feels their path is leading them away from their marriage. Thank you.
Michael, thank you for always showing your heart and being willing to share with real examples from your life. That is servant leadership at its finest.
Inspirational and motivating post.
I always say, the only way you can ever really lose, is if you give up…
Thanks for such an honest post. I loved your idea of writing down reasons to keep going, to combat the spiral of thoughts to have us quit.
As a little girl, I've always had the dream of becoming a writer. But, being the oldest child in a single parent family, I chose the "practical" path, to take care of them financially and pursued an engineering degree instead.
Now that forty is around the corner for me and I've fulfilled my family obligations, I've felt God prompting me to pick up this dream again and pursue it for Christ.
Of course, I want to quit because I feel it's too late for me. But, your post reminded me, God has given me the strength and hard work ethic to provide for my family so many decades, He will give me the same strength and endurance to do it for this dream He's kept alive, even after so many decades.
May God give me the grace.
Thanks so much on this article. It's really hit a buzz eye of my heart. Couple weeks ago I was in situation where I think I was losing motivation and inspiration. I complained about them. But the truth is, it was a lie. Instead I was trying to "quit" from my fill-up of responsible and tasks as "easy out". So I was start complaining – no motivation – no inspiration – need to find them etc.
But till today – I keep going and knowing that was a just another bump.
"Weary not in well doing for in due season you shall reap if you faint not." __- If you don't quit you win. ____Thank you great post.
This post truly spoke to me. I have quite a few personal goals & dreams (God-given, I truly believe), yet almost daily – as of late – I have felt the temptation to just quit and let them fade away. Your words have been an encouragement to keep plugging away, keep learning, continue growing and never forget that God is my ultimate source when the "feelings" just aren't there.
In one word: spite.
My list is strikingly similar to yours. I have one other item that I'm sure you would echo:
11. Because I promised to love her, through sickness and health, rich or poor, good or bad, etc., etc. (I don't even recall the exact language), until God, by death, shall separate us. And I'm not willing to go on record as having broken that promise.
That one always comes to mind.
When tempted to quit, I go to psalm 107. God does not change. He lifts the needy out of their afflictions. Also inspiring is a song was written by SideWalk Prophets. Some of the words are: Be strong in the Lord. Never give up hope. You've come to do great things, I already know. God's got his hand on you so dont live life in fear. Forgive and forget but dont forget why you're here. Take the time to pray, these are the words I would say.
Two words, Absolutely incredible. And…thank you.
Michael, thanks for this post. I did not expect to be challenged in this way on your blog. Man have I been tempted to quit – thanks for giving me a new way to think about these challenges in terms of why I must continue, rather than why I could quit. Thanks.
You are welcome!
Awesome, encouraging post.
Awesome wisdom. As a former active duty Marine (it is so hard to say ex-Marine), I learned valuable lessons about persevering and asking "why go ahead". In those situations, getting to the why was pretty easy. In everyday life, when things are not going well, the temptation to ask "why not quit" is very real. Thanks.