Whatever Happened to Modesty?

I watched MTVs VMA awards last night. Some of my daughters’ friends are in the band Paramore, and they were nominated for an award. And—to be honest—I wanted to see how Britney Spears would do, since we are publishing her mom’s book next week.

A Women with a Veil - Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/hidesy, Image #886115

Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/hidesy

It’s been a while since I’ve seen MTV, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed. Gail and I finally had to turn it off. We just couldn’t take it any more.

As I thought about my experience later, it made me sad. I am the father of five daughters. So perhaps I’m just a little overly sensitive. But I was shocked at the complete absence of modesty, the ridicule of virginity, and the latent misogyny displayed by Russell Brand and many of the artists themselves.

One of the few redeeming moments in the evening was when Jordin Sparks, referring to Brand’s contempt for chastity, said,

I just have one thing to say about promise rings: It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut.”

Touché. It must have struck a nerve, because the next time Brand appeared, he apologized for his comments. Sort of.

Regardless, it got me to thinking, Where are these girls fathers? Has anyone ever taught them the concept of modesty? Or have all the men in their lives simply exploited them as sex objects

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a prude. But I do think some basic guidelines are in order. These are not rules about skirt length or the amount of cleavage you can show. I’m just not a very good legalist; they are simply guidelines.

I gave these to my girls when they were growing up. Frankly, they haven’t been perfect in following them. Modern culture exerts a powerful influence. Nevertheless, I wanted them to have something that would transcend current fashion and guide their attire once they were older and, perhaps, a little wiser.

Here they are: “Four Guidelines for Modesty”:

  1. If you have trouble getting into it or out of it, it is probably not modest.
  2. If you have to be careful when you sit down or bend over, it is probably not modest.
  3. If people look at any part of your body before looking at your face, it is probably not modest.
  4. If you can see your most private body parts or an outline of those parts under the fabric, it is probably not modest.

If you think these guidelines are helpful, you might want to pass them along to the young women you know. Evidently, not many are getting the message elsewhere.

Question: What advice would you give young men or women? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
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  • http://byrdmouse.com Jonathan

    This is one of the first posts of yours I read. It was a re-post, but as the father of 3 girls it certainly struck a chord.

  • Drusilla Mott

    Thank you, Michael.  This is the first time I’ve seen this.  I so appreciate you posting this.  I have a 35 year old son that was brought up to respect women, and his girlfriends all told me how well he treated them.  I am praying for a woman with a strong Christian faith for him that will exemplify those things which I tried to teach him about women.  The sad thing is, I think probably the morals and lack of modesty have only gotten worse since you first wrote this.

  • Jklewis54

    I think this applies to all women . . . (at least I wish it did) I can’t even look at store ads in the newspaper anymore.

  • Ruth Funk

    Thanks for sharing it’s new to me. Great guidelines.

  • Dianekennard

    Great post!
    I have a daughter, and I always taught her that I wanted boys and men to be attracted to her for who she is, not what she looks like. She is tall, blond and beautiful, but we all age, and things change with our bodies. If she marries a young man who loves her body more than who she is…well, that could be a problem after 10 years and 2 or 3 kids. But if he loves her for who she is first and foremost…she’s in a much better position as time and years do their work.

  • http://www.theselfempoweredinvestor.com Tim Butt

    Interesting blog as yesterday’s message at church touched on this very issue. The new Web 2.o and smart phones continue to accelerate the exploitation of social demise within our youth. Not enough fear of God these days.

  • http://twitter.com/kelleygray77 Kelley Gray M.A.,LPC

    Mystery. I want to teach my daughter the faith that being mysterious requires, rather than taking her desires to be noticed into her own hands by revealing her precious body like our culture counsels her to.

  • EuniceS

    Thoughtful article – it makes sense without being judgmental or “prudish”.  I hope many folks read it and take it to heart.

  • Joe Lalonde

    Thanks for bumping this up on Twitter. It’s a great reminder of what you can do to be modest.

  • http://twitter.com/gpfarah Gregg Peter Farah

    thanks! As a dad of 3 amazing daughters, I appreciate it!

  • http://twitter.com/whythulc Deanna Gernert Ogle

    “If you have trouble getting into it or out of it, it is probably not modest”

    Definitely true. 

    “If you have to be careful when you sit down or bend over, it is probably not modest.”

    This is definitely the case except with a lot of skirts and dresses. Sometimes they can be a normal length but still have to be messed with when you sit down. And no one should ever bend over in a skirt or dress unless it’s extremely long.

    But going back to my point: I was wearing a dress the other day at my friend’s bridal shower, and even though the dress went down nearly to my knees, I still had to adjust it when I sat down. Although, I will totally concede the point that if you have to be careful with your dress like most guests on late-night talk shows, it’s probably not modest. Good point though–if you have to worry excessively about your item, it’s probably not modest.

    “If people look at any part of your body before looking at your face, it is probably not modest.”
    “If you can see your most private body parts or an outline of those parts under the fabric, it is probably not modest.”

    Hah! Totally reasonable.

  • Bill Moore

    I wish the women in my church followed these guidelines!!

  • http://krissiwyss.wordpress.com Krissi

    Love it! I really like the simplistic, bottom-line approach here. Going to share-we have 3 daughters & lots of young girls in & around our lives. Thanks.

  • Jennifer McAnally

    Excellent post!  My husband and I have rules for our two daughters, also.  It astounds me when, as Christian women,  allow our children to dress inappropriately everywhere including church.  As a daughter of the Most High King, we should dress ourselves and our children with dignity, honor, and respect.  I tell my girls all the time, “If you show all your presents today, there will be no surprises for later.”

  • Tymbras

    Went to the beach the other day, Seen a Jewish  family place there little Yarmulke hats on a pile of towels, then off went the sandals  and into the water they ran, fully clothed.
         I also seen a Indian couple playing in the waves in beautiful starved dress, fully clothed, then i see christian holiness teaching  people in bathing suits.
     wow  feel someones very Confusedwith modisty issues.

  • http://twitter.com/1WeeSpark OneWeeSpark

    Great blog! I’m going to share it on FB and with my 15 yo daughter. What I’d love to share with tweens/teens:

    Fall in love with Jesus–deeply, madly, completely. Make your tweets about your undying desire to know and be known by Him. Post your status updates about your growing relationship and how He loves you no matter how pretty, skinny, handsome, built you are. You’ll do yourself a favor by putting your life priorities right early…not to mention the witness and light you’ll be to friends!

  • Richard Graham

    Thanks for the post Michael –  you might like to check out :  ”10 Things to  Teach your Son about True Manhood”
    http://www.allprodad.com/top10/parenting/10-things-to-teach-your-son-about-true-manhood

  • https://twitter.com/#!/rmw1221 Bob Wright

    Thank you Michael for this important post. I certainly will be borrowing your 4 Guidelines for Modesty with my 3 girls, now ages 8, 5, and 17 wks.

  • Anonymous

    My advice to young women is this: sex, outside of marriage, isn’t love. No matter how much you’re boyfriend says, “if you love me, you’ll have sex with me.” Sex, outside of marriage, isn’t love. 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1419226621 Eva Pauline Scott

    When I was a teenager a tall friend of mine wore very short dresses. She said people judged her for being immodest but never offered her clothes to fit. She was very poor. Since I was a teenager, I never thought of telling an adult about this. Sometimes people need help to be modest.

  • Rhonda Girard

    There are a lot of wives and mother who would benefit from these guidelines, too!

  • Rhonda Girard

    And one more thing!  Before I saw that you were referencing MTV, I thought maybe you were talking about one of those wedding dress shows.  REALLY?  Have you seen what these girls are walking down the aisle in these days?

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  • C4latta

    I believe that modesty should be taught by the parents by role modeling modesty themselves. I think it’s important at the same time that we are teaching our daughters to cover up and be  modest not only for their own dignity but so that they don’t become a stumbling block to guys out there. Let’s face it showing cleavage has been a trend for a while but it is just that a trend. Soon looking back into this era people will note it was the decade woman hung their breast out for the world to admire. We should not judge one who does this but rather bring awareness of that the outcome is lack of propriety. I think there is a mixed message in lack of modesty and wanting to maintain a degree of dignity, you simply will have a difficult time having both dignity and lack of modesty. But I strongly believe this is a touchy subject in this day when it’s so the norm within most cultures. Bottom line if our heart is to please God then we would want to make sure we are being modest and recalling it is a imperative form of being. 

  • KLadle

    Love, Love, Love this article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As a mother of 2 daughters, one of which is a teenager, it is extremely hard to find modest clothing, but well worth the search!

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  • Helene

    For the woman who wants to be valued for who she really is — for the heart and intelligence and inner beauty that makes her a wonderful companion and friend — those guidelines are priceless.  For the woman who wants a long-term relationship based on the qualities that will not fade with age, compliance with such wise counsel is foundational.

  • http://twitter.com/twelvetwodesign Designer Rob Russo

    I am the father of two young girls myself. I’m going to make a note of these points for the future. Thanks for sharing.

  • Bonnie

    I too have been greatly disturbed by the lack of modesty among people of all ages today.  I ask, what happened to glamour and elegance and grace ?  “Muffin tops and trashiness ” do not fit in those categories, nor do they flatter 99% of the population.  I have been working on ideas for a book and possibly magazine devoted to grace, elegance and glamour.   That doesn’t mean that we have to wear evening gowns to work in the yard or a burkha (sp?) either.  Your four rules of thumb sound good.  But women, most women, want to feel attractive and feminine, and there is a difference between sexy/trashy and attractive/feminine.  You can be modest and feminine and attractive without being overtly sexy or looking like a hooker.  I think you can add, that if it makes you feel uncomfortable you shouldn’t wear it (and by that I mean that men are probably more interested in what is under your dress or outfit than what you have to say).  Mystery is still attractive to men.  In fact, I am in my 50′s, have gray hair ( I choose not to ruin my hair with dye which is in truth what it does… I did it for ten years… my hair is sooo much more healthy now), wear classic, modest clothes, and yet everywhere I go both men and women complement me (and many of them feel half naked and go put their coats on).  Make no mistake, they don’t think I look nice for a “grandmother type.”  They think I look nice and am appropriately dressed for whatever activity I go to.  Also, I only own about a dozen tops, one or two dresses, three skirts and some jeans.  I have a few classic accessories,  8 pairs of shoes that I take good care of, and some high quality, natural looking makeup that protects my skin.  I eat right and exercise and most importantly… I cultivate that inner glow of the Spirit.  I think without that inner glow, the clothes wouldn’t be that remarkable.  It seems that the opposite attitude also goes with the skimpier/hooker look.  You could say in part that “We are what we wear.”  I used to work in the fashion retail world.  There are both wise financial choices in dressing modestly and wise lifestyle choices.  And the type of man you will attract, for those who wish to meet men for more serious relationships, is definately affected by what you wear, both inside and out.

  • Arlene

    I recently read the “rules” one mother gave her daughter as she went shopping for clothes.

    “When you buy something, I don’t want to be able to see see the three B’s:Boobs, butt and bare midrif.”

    I am 75 and when my daughter was a teen-ager, I wish I’d have thought of that.

  • http://www.aquaflames.co.uk flavel gas fires

    I do agree with the modesty guidelines specially 3rd one.  If people look at any part of your body before looking at your face, it is probably not modest.

  • http://www.hobbsparker.co.uk/CF/?Link=HomePage&BulletinId=18 Hobb Sparker

    That is just vanished. New electronic age make us not to think long about the life, changes, good , bad. We do not in habit of thinking what we are doing is right or wrong. Modesty is in my opinion is to judge the aspects of you deeds on the other’s life.

  • http://www.spiritualwellness.com Angie Schuller Wyatt

    Rather than teaching women a set of rules.  I teach them to hear God.  Then, the pursuit of modesty becomes a pursuit of God, and an opportunity for their conscience to mature.  

  • http://lasherstudios.com/blog Teresa Lasher

    EXCELLENT guidelines for modesty! well done.

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  • Alexansah

    Thank God for this because God wanted us to  stand against the devil’s work

  • Nora

    Amen

  • http://thewritersremedy.com/ ShelleyD

    Sadly, immodesty has crept into our churches and for a reason. Rather than promoting Godliness as a believer, we have become weak in our resolve to honor our Lord. We fail to train our children, accordingly.  Instead of telling our children about God, we need help them establish a close relationship in such a way that every aspect of life takes His Word into consideration: we are not our own, we are bought with a price, our bodies are a living sacrifice, etc.  As for the world, they live as unsaved do.  For the believer? Judgment begins in the house of the Lord.

  • http://www.frymonkeys.com Alan Kay

    Michael, at the risk of some boos from the stands may I
    offer a slightly different view?

     

    Parents, and in particular the dads of girls, have always
    been fearful their children are at risk. Lack of modesty is a contemporary issue,
    but it’s been around in various forms for a long time. Giving guidelines and boundaries on dress sense can be helpful
    for young people, but I believe the more powerful route to helping them is
    through the values that we live.

     

    People in their teens are experimenting and finding where
    they fit in to the societies they belong to, not just their family. They are
    under more pressure than we can ever imagine and this is not new. The scale of
    the pressure to conform has grown. So, our exhortations to conform to the
    standards we feel are appropriate can fall on deaf ears. I’m reminded of the
    line, ‘the more you insist, the more I resist’.

     

    I say, let them make their own decisions unless they are
    taking risks that will do real harm. Let them experiment and learn, and at the
    same time use the values we demonstrate to help guide them.

     

    My practice with my own daughter when she was in her teens
    was to say ‘no’ to her requests only occasionally. When I did so it was always
    definitive. She knew the boundaries and knew she could take risks, but had to
    be successful with in them. I believe those values guided her. And, there were
    nights where I didn’t sleep. Now, as a 24 year old, people constantly remark
    what a fine person she is.

     

    My key point? Detailed guidelines may not have the same
    impact that demonstrated values can. A few sleepless nights are an investment
    in a self-reliant, confident young adult who respects herself. After all, isn’t that the gift we want to give our children? 

  • William Chris Shelton

    Young ladies and men learn
    about relationships from their fathers (how a woman should be treated and how a
    man should treat her). Unfortunately, we have generations being raised without
    fathers. They are instead being raised by Jerry Springer, MTV Spring Break, and
    Girls Gone Wild. These programs show young people drinking, partying, acting
    out sexually, and apparently having fun; however, what they don’t show is the
    venereal diseases, the people who drank too much and died from alcohol
    poisoning or caused a car crash killing innocent victims, the unwanted
    pregnancies, the feelings afterward that lead to depression, low self esteem,
    etc.  I remember a case where I had to
    respond to the emergency room, because a 17-year-old girl had been at a “party”
    where she shouldn’t have been and was slipped drugs and used as a prostitute
    and dropped passed out outside the hospital emergency room.  Numerous statistics from credible official
    sites show that 1 out of 4 sexually active teenagers is reported with a
    sexually transmitted disease each year; many without any visible symptoms and
    many incurable.  Further statistics show
    1 out of 4 girls being sexually molested before adulthood and 1 out of 6
    boys.  Isn’t it time for The Church to
    rise up and reach out to these young people in love showing them the truth that
    God loves them and has a good plan for their lives.  And that the lies being told them are to
    destroy their lives and to prevent them from experiencing the real joy that God
    has planned for them. (from “It’s Okay, You’re With My Father”, A Child Abuse Investigator’s Call to The Church, published through Westbow Press).

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  • http://darensirbough.com/ Daren Sirbough

    Modern day Sodom and Gomorrah? In our teams we have dress codes for stage etc. Personally I’d give the same advice to people. I don’t know what the cause of it is but I know that we have a responsibility as Leaders to ‘encourage correct encourage’ people. Unfortunately we can’t fight every battle, but we can still fight.

  • Jenniffermollet

    Those are great questions! They help girls make good choices even on there own…

  • Norman Bowman

    PLEASE READ Miss Modesty – Wendy Shalit:  
    http://www.goodgirlrevolution.com/
    http://blogs.modestlyyours.net/modestly_yours/ 
    http://chemistry.typepad.com/the_great_mate_debate/wendy_shalit/index.html 
    Her book, Return to Modesty will put will power into everyone who reads it SERIOUSLY!  And especially the quotes of great men and women throughout history.  Of course, WHO knows ANYTHING about history anymore.  Furthermore, History has now been “revised” by those who are “more intelligent” than the rest of us! Let us raise our children with the habits of looking dignity straight in the face and recognizing how beautiful it truly is.  I work with these young people.  They need to EXPERIENCE dignity and they KNOW it when the FEEL it.  So let’s get on with our job. 

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